Daniel Susco
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An Open Letter to the Mule-Headed Drivers of Ohio

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Dear fellow Ohioans,

I think we need to talk.

It’s about what I have come to think of as “My Way” syndrome. I came up with this little moniker after a road trip to Michigan and back brought me some perspective, and it means this: people from Ohio, in general, seem to have a higher tendency to never want to stray from their chosen path, to the point of ridiculousness.

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I’m talking to you, BMW 330i from this morning, who dove from I-75 onto US-35 in front of me at the very last second, coming inches from becoming a four-wheel shish kabob on the guardrail. You could have gone down one exit and found a different way onto 35 using the cell phone I presume you were messing with, but you didn’t. It had to be Your Way.

Ohio Turnpike Driverless Cars Testing

I wanted to write “My Way or the Highway,” but that seemed a little too on the nose
Photo: Friscocali Flickr

And I’m especially talking to you, red minivan who I nearly creamed on I-75 north last week, who stopped dead in the center lane so you could then turn and drive perpendicular to traffic so you wouldn’t miss your exit. It wouldn’t do to go down one exit and come back, OH NO. It had to be Your Way.

IIHS Crash

This could have been you and me, you idiot

Look, I understand some of your anxiety. If you aren’t familiar with the area, missing your exit can be anxiety-inducing, and in the Dayton area, where highway construction has been an ever-changing tapestry of annoyance and exit closures with an increasingly blasé stance on detour signs, that can go double.

However, I think I should remind you that taking the next exit and coming back is almost always an option. Alternatively, you could have gotten off the highway, parked, taken out a navigation app on your phone, found your way again, and carried on. In downtown Dayton, where both of these incidents happened, either option would have cost you like five minutes, with the added bonus of little to no risk to life and limb and a very slight chance of seeing Limp Bizkit playing at the Sunoco.

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I can’t stress enough that you could easily have killed us both, you moron

So, I guess what I am saying is, just take a deep breath, take the next exit and come back, instead of running the risk of one of us becoming a statistic, all right? We at The News Wheel even have some ways to help you relax on the road, or some podcasts you can listen to if you get delayed by messed-up directions.

I’d certainly appreciate it.

Thank you.

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This is a actually one of a two-part series of open letters that came from my vacation, so if you would like to read my open letter to the ridiculously aggressive and territorial drivers of Michigan, click here.

Daniel Susco is a native of the Dayton-Cincinnati area, and has written on a multitude of subjects. He can discuss Shakespeare, expound on Classical Mythology, and even make witty jokes about Pliny the Elder (More like “Pliny the Rounder,” right?). In his free time, Daniel enjoys reading, cooking, woodworking, and long walks on the beach (just kidding – sunburn is no joke). See more articles by Daniel.