Breaking Down Florida DMV Fight Between Woman and Officer Blow-for-Blow
This past weekend, the world witnessed one of the most shocking fights in the history of unarmed combat. I’m not talking about Conor McGregor’s incredible 13-second knockout of Jose Aldo in the main event of UFC 194, nor am I talking about that same event’s savage battle between Luke Rockhold and Chris Weidman for the UFC Middleweight Title. I am talking, of course, about the result of a scuffle between a really angry woman and a police trooper at a DMV in Florida on Friday.
Eleanore Stern, 31, who henceforth shall only be referred to as FLORIDA WOMAN, was apparently very unhappy with an employee at the Deerfield Beach DMV. We’ve all experienced some degree of lunacy in a Department of Motor Vehicles at one time or another, but this was an unparalleled response that could only be offered by someone willingly residing in America’s madness capital. A rather uproarious argument ensued between the DMV employee and FLORIDA WOMAN, resulting in a Florida Highway Patrol trooper being called to the scene to escort FLORIDA WOMAN from the premises peaceably.
As you might guess, FLORIDA WOMAN wasn’t having none of that.
Warning: Plenty of foul language here, because of course there is
Lincoln’s Latest: Lincoln’s new 2018 Navigator is its most impressive, advanced SUV
The most appropriate thing to do here is not to gawk at this spectacle aimlessly, but rather to gawk informatively and break down FLORIDA WOMAN’s fighting technique. Unfortunately, since this was an unscheduled bout, there were neither lighting rigs nor HD cameras set up to record the contest from all angles for proper analysis. So, reluctantly, I am forced to supply you with meagre images recorded presumably by an iPhone or Samsung Galaxy (IN PORTRAIT MODE NO LESS YOU MONSTER).
At the first sign of resistance, FLORIDA WOMAN offers the implacable trooper a push so forceful that it sends her up off of her feet and back about six inches. Yet, the trooper stays firm in his stance, almost completely unmoved by the noticeably smaller FLORIDA WOMAN’s efforts. Stunned by the trooper’s immovability, FLORIDA WOMAN goes for the most obvious and effective maneuver in an unsanctioned fight of this variety: a low kick.
FLORIDA WOMAN doesn’t have to worry about Herb Dean stepping in to give the patrolman time to recollect himself. She needn’t fear judges taking a penalty point and costing her the round. She has absolutely no incentive not to just start off with a kick in the nads here, apart from the whole just being civilized and walking away before a bad situation gets even worse thing. But if she did that, why, she wouldn’t be FLORIDA WOMAN, now would she?
FLORIDA WOMAN’s next move, having staggered the trooper somewhat, is to go for an outside leg trip takedown and, presumably, run the hell out of there before she gets arrested. Instead, she overestimates the effectiveness of her kick, and the much larger trooper uses his weight advantage to stay balanced on his feet and go for an outside leg trip takedown of his own. It is super effective.
The Florida Highway Patrol trooper swoops in and goes for what appears to be a rear naked choke. FLORIDA WOMAN has been training particularly hard for this random fight in a DMV, so she gets an arm up to prevent blockage of her carotid artery before the hold can be locked in.
What FLORIDA WOMAN lacks in takedown defense, she makes up for with resiliency and cunning, and she manages to slip out of the trooper’s hold and get back to her feet rather quickly. In an effort to rattle him, she mocks his ground game, loudly exclaiming, “GOD, YOU CAN’T EVEN FIGHT.”
Our videographer cuts, and when we come back, it appears that the trooper has scored YET ANOTHER takedown. This time, FLORIDA WOMAN is in a much less advantageous position as she fights off the trooper, who appears to have gotten guard and is working to get side control, possibly for an armbar or a head-and-arm choke.
Fortunately for FLORIDA WOMAN, she has clearly put in a lot of time upping her Jiu-Jitsu, likely having spent time training with 6th Degree Black Belt Renzo Gracie at his academy in nearby Boca Raton. That time spent rolling with Renzo shows as she uses her impressive grip to keep control of the trooper’s hands and avoid being pounded out, and as she uses her kicks to create space between her body and the trooper’s. The trooper is forced to get back to his feet, FLORIDA WOMAN’s ground defense clearly superior to anything he’s ever experienced before.
Regrettably for FLORIDA WOMAN, this is a catchweight bout, and the trooper’s size advantage comes her back to haunt her when he…well, just kind of lazily collapses onto her and inadvertently headbutts her in the process. It’s bowling-shoe ugly, and it certainly ain’t what they’d teach you at the Gracie Academy, but for the purposes of our pillowy policeman, it works.
The headbutt turns the tide of the fight completely, advertent or in-. FLORIDA WOMAN rolls onto her stomach, perhaps to shield herself from the blow of the trooper’s girth collapsing upon her at once like a doughy hammer, and she once again mocks the trooper for not being able to fight at a level commensurate to her own, adding that the trooper “can’t do sh*t.” But she fails to see the cunning in the trooper’s game plan: because FLORIDA WOMAN now needs to lean on her opponent to get to her feet, it allows the Florida Highway Patrol trooper to trap her arms, effectively gaining complete control over the fight. In the end, her bravado is her undoing.
The fight would be finished here, but the trooper seemingly underestimates the tenacity of FLORIDA WOMAN. Once the fight is taken to the vending machine/door frame, FLORIDA WOMAN uses the change in environs to her advantage. Clearly, she is experienced with being backed up against the cage, and that experience prolongs the fight just a little longer.
FLORIDA WOMAN is able to prevent any forward progress through the door frame, hooking her right foot around one side while shouting, “I JUST WANTED TO SHOW YOU ALL…I’M LEAVING…YES I AM.” This movement is key, as it allows FLORIDA WOMAN to push her weight forward through the doorframe and twist her way past the trooper by just kind of tumbling to the floor. It’s less a tactical move than a sad indication that this valiant gladiator is on her last legs and quickly nearing the end of her magical performance.
Now, on her belly like a seal, FLORIDA WOMAN makes one last desperate move to break free by crawling back to the center of the Octagon DMV waiting area. She slides across the floor on her hands and knees as the trooper straddles her like a jockey, and in those final frantic moments of the fight, she appeals to the audience.
“THESE ARE THE PEOPLE THAT CAN PROTECT YOU,” she calls to her people. “THESE ARE THE PEOPLE, EVEN THOUGH I KICKED HIS ASS.”
I think we know just who this country really needs keeping us safe at night. Her name starts with a FLORIDA and ends with a WOMAN.
She’s the hero we deserve, but not the one we need right now. Maybe after the trail, perhaps.
Nobody comes to her aid. She offers to the onlookers, “I’M OUTTA HERE. GOOD BYE.” There are tears shed, no doubt.
FLORIDA WOMAN is in this alone, but she isn’t going out like a punk. She moves to her back once again, and perhaps realizing that conventional tactics no longer favor her in this fight, she seems to briefly adopt the technique employed by Antonio Inoki in his fight against Muhammad Ali. The only difference here being that Inoki was an incredibly skilled and highly-respected Japanese wrestler fighting the greatest boxer of all time while FLORIDA WOMAN is merely a woman from Florida spazzing out and fighting a cop in a DMV, of course. Small difference though it may be.
The Inoki method fails, and FLORIDA WOMAN appears to give up the ghost at last. She goes to grab something from the floor nearby—a phone? A purse? A pair of brass knuckles?—and the video quick-cuts to shots of FLORIDA WOMAN being handcuffed and then of the floor and the ceiling. In the background, the trooper can be heard saying something about not hurting FLORIDA WOMAN over his labored breaths. (For his next fight, I would strongly recommend that this trooper work on his cardio.) FLORIDA WOMAN responds the only way that FLORIDA WOMAN can: “I’m going to keep fighting with you.”
Before she is led away in handcuffs, and after she has exhausted every last option, FLORIDA WOMAN states: “If you let me go, then I won’t make a scene.”
After all of this, one might think that Eleanore Stern’s life will be irreparably damaged. One must think that fighting a police officer would carry repercussions so severe that she will never see the light of day again. But because Eleanore Stern is a FLORIDA WOMAN, she was merely booked for resisting arrest and subsequently released on $100 bond.
Somebody get Dana White on the horn. I think we’ve got the next new top contender to face off against Joanna Jędrzejczyk or Holly Holm.
Coming Soon from Lincoln: Get a load of Lincoln’s 2018 lineup, including everything from the MKZ to the new Navigator