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Chevy Puts Out a Press Release That’s Entirely Emojis (You Know, For #Kids!)

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The Hudsucker Proxy Chevy emoji

Chevy has been courting the Millennial market hard—hiring a professional Instagrammer to cover the 2016 Volt’s debut; paying social media influencers to highlight cool, non-mainstream locations in urban centers; running commercials in which a young couple wearing Chuck Taylors and vintage clothing takes selfies while eating the “Best. Doughnut. Ever…”

And now, the bowtie brand has reached the nadir (we hope) of its shameless pandering: a press release about the 2016 Chevy Cruze composed entirely of emojis.

Yup.

Take a look at #ChevyGoesEmoji:

#ChevyGoesEmoji 2016 Chevrolet Cruze emoji press release


Related info: 2015 Chevrolet Cruze Model Overview


Chevrolet says it will release an English translation of this PR tomorrow at 2:00pm, for all of you old fogies that aren’t fluent in emoji speak. Until then, the automaker is inviting people to try and “decode” the message.

We’ll get you started by transcribing the first #paragraph:

NIGHTIME CITY CAR MUSICAL NOTATION, HAND. —DAYTIME CITY NIGHTIME CITY DAYTIME CITY NIGHTIME CITY CLOCK FACES OF COMEDY AND TRAGEDY A NEW CAR CHICK HEART. ARROWS SMARTPHONE, BOWLING ALLEY ISOCELES TRIANGLE, PLUS GAS STATION ARROW BASKETBALL FOOTBALL SOCCER BASEBALL TENNIS BALL BIKE. FONZIE NEW BREAD DRESS SHOE LIPSTICK THE SHINING TWINS SMARTPHONE PREGNANT PAUSE MAN WOMAN. CAR TIE MOUSTACHE PREGNANT PAUSE, “LIGHTBULB NEW CAR UP WORLD.”

OMG, guys, the new Cruze is going to feature bowling alley isosceles triangles?!?! We literally can’t even right now.


Related info: Current National Chevy Sales Incentives