Kyle Johnson
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Surprise! GM Recalls 2.4 Million Deathtraps

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Because why the hell not? It's a Tuesday.

GM recalls 2.4 million

The grenade-like 2014 Chevy Traverse

Hey! Hey, guess what! It’s time for another GM recall! I know, I know, you’re probably thinking “oh, are you fu…I mean, didn’t they just recall 2.7 million cars on Thursday?” Yes, you are right. They totally did. And ya know what? They’re recalling 2.4 million more cars, trucks, and SUVs today because GM will clearly not stop until it has recalled all of the cars, trucks, and SUVs ever. They’re already up to 13.6 million vehicles in 2014, which is more than what GM sold in 2009-2012 combined, so if they keep going at this rate, they can make all of their dreams come true. We believe in you GM!

So what’s being recalled today? According to GM:

  • 1,339,355 Buick Enclave, Chevrolet Traverse, GMC Acadia full-size crossovers from the 2009-2014 model years and Saturn Outlooks from 2009-2010 for front safety lap belt cables that can wear down and separate over time.
  • 1,075,102 of the previous generation 4-speed automatic transmission Chevrolet Malibu and from the 2004-2008 model years and Pontiac G6 from the 2005-2008 model years because of a shift cable that could wear out over time. This results in mismatches of the gear position indicated by the shift lever.
  • 1,402 Cadillac Escalades and Escalade ESVs from the 2015 model year because an insufficiently heated plastic weld that attaches the passenger side air bag to the instrument panel assembly could result in a partial deployment of the air bag in the event of a crash.
  • 58 Chevrolet Silverado HD and GMC Sierra HD full-size pickups from the 2015 model year due to retention clips attaching the generator fuse block to the vehicle body becoming loose and lead to a potential fire.

So, in short, we’re looking at 1.3 million vehicles with seat belts that break, 1.08 million vehicles that might not be in the proper gear, 1,402 Cadillacs with faulty airbags, and 58 heavy duty pickups that could lead to your fiery death.

GM Recalls 2.4 million

The Kevorkianesque 2014 Buick Enclave

Oh, but it’s okay, because GM says “there have been no fatalities associated with these recalls.” So we have now reached the point with General Motors where recalling 2.4 million cars, trucks, and SUVs is all well and good just so long as nobody has died.

There have, however, been 18 accidents and one injury resulting from the Malibu/G6’s faulty shift cable.

GM recalls 2.4 million

The 2015 Cadillac Escalade: You’re Toast!

At this rate, it seems like we’re mere days away from a General Motors press release that starts with the headline: We Have All Actually Been Dead The Whole Time, Like Bruce Willis’ Character in ‘The Sixth Sense,’ Because We All Died Behind the Wheel of Defective GM Cars.

When it turns out that we’ve all been roaming the planet as ghosts because General Motors killed us decades ago with negligence, you’ll find all of the relevant and ethereal information right here at The News Wheel.

GM recalls 2.4 million

The 2015 Silverado HD: Strong. Also, a Rolling Sarcophagus

  • Kyle JohnsonEditor

    Kyle S. Johnson lives in Cincinnati, a city known by many as "the Cincinnati of Southwest Ohio." He enjoys professional wrestling, Halloween, and also other things. He has been writing for a while, and he plans to continue to write well into the future. See more articles by Kyle.