Required (Insane) Reading: The Truth About Tesla
Happy Friday, ladies and gentlemen. Submitted for your approval: the wackiest conspiracy theory nonsense you'll read this week.
It’s entirely likely that everybody has that one relative/actual friend/social media “friend”/co-worker/acquaintance-kept-at-arm’s-length-at-all-times who refuses to believe anything that isn’t absolutely bugged-out crazy. This person is always the first to tell you that the cool YouTube video you found of a bunch of kids doing trick shots in a swimming pool is FAKE SO FAKE, but then they’ll turn right around and subtly nudge you toward believing that vacuum cleaners were created by the federal government to disperse murder gas into the atmosphere. It is persons of this particular ilk who are responsible for distributing these lovely “Truth About Tesla” fliers around San Francisco. And the world is a better, more insane place because of this.
*SPOILERS: READ ONLY IF YOU WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT TESLA AND THEIR NEFARIOUS SCHEMES*
— Ryan Block (@ryan) April 30, 2014
Ryan Block, formerly of Engadget, espied these fliers left anonymously on the windshields of Tesla cars in San Francisco. These fliers do not chide the drivers for parking like morons, nor do they inexplicably contain a positive message intended to lighten the heart and embiggen the spirit. No. These fliers, which claim to tell the truth about Tesla, inform drivers that they are, among other things:
– Abetting a world-controlling crime syndicate
– Inconspicuously funding war
– Facilitating massive federal cover-ups
– An abhorrent creature entirely without morals
– More likely to take drugs, engage in deviant behavior, and take extreme risks
– Murdering pedestrians because of a neurotoxin released by their cars
– Probably a sufferer of “Anal itching”
This unexpected-but-absolutely-welcomed dose of crazy urges consumers to “Give the car back!” and for friends of Tesla drivers to pay it forward by passing them this flier. And why wouldn’t you? There’s so much brilliant, wonderful crazy here.
The most shocking bit: “Tesla buys magazine articles, ‘reviews,’ & TV shows for which it pays PR writers only to write good things about Tesla.”
WHAT? People pay for reviews? WAKE UP, SHEEPLE. THE TRUTH IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES. (Also, where can I get the number of the person at Tesla who doles out cash for positive feedback? As a former teacher, I’m pretty good at that whole spinning-negatives-into-positives thing, and I gots bills to pay.)
I think the “Truth About Tesla” flier is a gift for which we should all be grateful. It’s not every day that you encounter insanity of this magnitude, and it is something to be feared and admired. The fevered-yet-calculated rant found within is a window into a broken brain, giving us all something to be thankful for (i.e. that we are not this person).
You thought your dad trying to school you about chemtrails was bad? Didn’t think your neighbor’s finger-wagging lectures about “The Gay Agenda” were quite on that next level of nuttiness? Wasn’t impressed by that Facebook post from that guy you’ve never met who believes that dinosaur bones and carbon dating are devil tricks obscuring the obvious fact that Earth is 6,000 years old? Ever sat through a diatribe about how mankind is run by Illuminati Lizard People who sit around a long war room table wearing Aleister Crowley hats conspiring to kill the American working man and thought yeah, sure, this is NUTS, but I need…I don’t know…more?
Well, now you have the truth about Tesla. It’s a helluva start, but I’m eagerly anticipating the inevitable proliferation to “Truth About Tesla” Chick Tract-like pamphlets and a feature length “Truth About Tesla” documentary staring some obscure wash-out celebrity (or even a wonderful Reefer Madness-style panic piece). What’s Jesse Ventura up to these days, anyway?
- Kyle JohnsonEditor
Kyle S. Johnson lives in Cincinnati, a city known by many as "the Cincinnati of Southwest Ohio." He enjoys professional wrestling, Halloween, and also other things. He has been writing for a while, and he plans to continue to write well into the future. See more articles by Kyle.