Joe Biden Confesses to Vatican Cardinal that He Was Wrong About How Fast the Cadillac CTS-V Is
The Scranton-born son of a used car salesman, Biden has demonstrated multiple times that he has a deep affection for American automobiles, and GM cars in particular. Like that time he told a bunch of nerds at Yale University that Corvettes are better than Porsches. Or that time he washed his 1981 Pontiac Trans Am in the White House driveway while listening to Night Ranger. (Okay, that second one was just an Onion article, but the first one was real!)
Apparently, Biden’s devotion to GM recently cost him $10—and possibly a piece of his immortal soul.
Last night’s White House Pool Report, written by New York Times correspondent Gardiner Harris, features a very funny anecdote involving Biden, Gardiner (the “pooler”), and Cardinal Pietro Parolin, the Vatican Secretary of State. Apparently, Biden bet Harris $10 that the new Cadillac CTS-V was faster than the Tesla Model S. After he lost the bet, he chose to confess his mistake to Cardinal Parolin:
PAROLIN: You have already met with the Holy Father.
BIDEN: I have met with the Holy Father. And I’ve met with these guys, too.
(GESTURES TO POOL THEN GRIPS YOUR POOLER)
BIDEN: I had to pay this man $10. He’s from the New York Times. We had a bet: which is the faster car, the newer Cadillac or the new Musk car. Which?
BIDEN: The Tesla. I bet the Cadillac.
POOLER: He went for the old technology. I went for the new.
PAROLIN: Oh yes?
BIDEN: The Tesla’s two tenths of a second faster. But I lost. I paid my $10. (LOUDER TO ENTIRE POOL, ROOM AND PERHAPS CITY) I want the record to show, I paid my $10.
MEMOLI (CATHOLIC REPRESENTATIVE IN POOL): Does that count as a confession, sir?
BIDEN: I’m seeking absolution!
Absolution for gambling, or for being wrong about how fast the Cadillac CTS-V is? I’m not sure.
The pool report concludes that “betting is not a sin but tends to be discouraged by religious authorities,” yet also notes that “Cardinal Parolin seemed unconcerned.”
So it sounds like Joe Biden is still in good standing with the Catholic Church. But he may still need some scratch, if you can loan him a tenner.
- Patrick GrieveEditor
Patrick Grieve was born in Southwestern Ohio and has lived there all of his life, with the exception of a few years spent getting a Creative Writing degree in Southeastern Ohio. He loves to take road trips, sometimes to places as distant as Northeastern or even Northwestern Ohio. Patrick also enjoys old movies, shopping at thrift stores, going to ballgames, writing about those things, and watching Law & Order reruns. He just watches the original series, though, none of the spin-offs. And also only the ones they made before Jerry Orbach died. Season five was really the peak, in his opinion. See more articles by Patrick.