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John Cena Survived the 2017 Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards

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John Cena at the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards

When it comes to ultimate honors, there’s none that come close to the wondrous occasion of hosting the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards. Think about it – thousands upon thousands of pre-pubescent children screaming at you, full force and non-stop, as you shout back at them about their favorite music and television performers, all while following a script that was surely created by Oscar-winning writers. Ah, ‘tis the dream, really.

Death evader, professional wrestler, and host of the evening, John Cena, managed to arrive at the show (via an automobile of sorts) completely unscathed. Right from the start, the WWE superstar was pumped with enough (horse)power to get through the scheduled two hours of torture bliss.


Being a man of class, Cena quickly ripped off his stuffy suit to unveil a majestic tuxedo cutoff instead, with matching black shorts and red wristbands. As the newly appointed unofficial sponsor of the Chevy Redline series (Coincidental color-scheme? We think not.), the Cena show continued.


From there, he gracefully allowed other celebs to share the stage with him so he could (presumably) rest his manly muscles. Demi Lovato and Gwen Stefani made appearances before the network cut to a Hot Wheels commercial, where one of those pre-pubescent TV stars showcased a slimy stunt using the Hot Wheels Formula Flashback car.

The Leader of Cenation came back to viewers in a scary, heart-stopping stunt that involved a huge orange slide that could have easily jettisoned him right off the stage and into a pit of ravenous pre-teens. But no worries, the Champ survived.


Oh, what’s that? A Cars 3 commercial during the airing of the Kids Choice Awards? Why must you taunt Mr. Cena like that, Nickelodeon? Why?! Nevertheless, the muscly host managed to make his way back to the stage for an epic arm wrestling challenge. It was fairly obvious that the mere mention of car crashes during the commercial break shook up the host, as he unfortunately lost the challenge.


The Doctor of Thuganomics thankfully had plenty of time to recover during a Camila Cabello and MGK performance, and won a dance challenge against favored Nickelodeon alum Nick Cannon.


Things were looking up for Mr. Cena. He had successfully gotten through an hour and a half of screaming children and there were no visible signs of impending vehicular doom. Fifth Harmony had just received the final two awards of the night and all he had to do was end the show. Then, in a sadistic twist of fate, John Cena was slimed by none other than… JOHNNNN CENAAAAA!!!! *cue blaring trumpets*


Following the show, we learned that Mr. Cena had managed to make it to South by Southwest in Austin, Texas. So it’s safe to say that John Cena officially survived the 2017 Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards. Bravo!