Kyle Johnson
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Mitsubishi Recalls All 2013-2014 Vehicles For Lack of Public Interest

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Wait, Mitsubishi still makes cars? Hm. Well, good for them, I suppose.

2014 Mitsubishi Lancer | Consumer Reports Worst New Cars of 2014 List

The 2014 Mitsubishi Lancer is one of the vehicles that you have probably never heard of that is being recalled today by the manufacturer (who you may also have never heard of)

This morning, Mitsubishi issued a total recall of its 2013-2014 Lancer, Lancer Sportback, Lancer EVO, Outlander, Outlander Sport, and Mirage for an issue regarding the automaker’s public visibility. The problem stems from Mitsubishi’s failure to capture the attention of the American public.

“It’s not that there’s anything wrong with our vehicles,” said Mitsubishi Motors North America (MMNA) President and CEO Ryujiro Kobashi. “It’s just that they don’t really draw people in the way other brands do. You would have to search far and wide before you’d stumble across a community of Mitsubishi enthusiasts, and even then, you’d cross enough people along the way who aren’t even aware that you still sell cars in the United States that you just kind of end up disenchanted with the whole thing anyway.”

Mitsubishi Recalls

Huh. Well I guess Mitsubishi actually does make cars and SUVs. There’s one of them right there.

Kobashi stated that after he and some high-ranking officials within MMNA stayed in the office late on Sunday night to “smash some pizza and pound some craft brews,” someone called attention to how much attention General Motors had received in the wake of the ignition switch recall.

“We weren’t entirely certain that the press associated with a massive recall was really what we needed, but we ultimately determined that bad press was a lot better than absolutely no press whatsoever,” Kobashi said.

Kobashi says he and other MMNA officials considered all viable possibilities for potential recall cover stories.

“We wanted something superficial, you know. Like faulty lightbulbs or bad stitching on the seats. Not something that would panic the people who actually own our vehicles. After all, we don’t really want people to go thinking our vehicles aren’t safe or anything like that. We’re not dicks, you know?”

Mitsubishi Recalls

Wait…they expect people to buy this thing? Oh dear.

Kobashi says that after the group was distracted for an indeterminable amount of time by The Walking Dead season finale and talking about their predictions for Monday’s How I Met Your Mother series finale, someone had the idea to just issue a recall for the sake of public recollection.

“A recall for the sake of making people recall our vehicles,” Kobashi excitedly noted. He then elbowed me in the ribs repeatedly while intermittently chuckling and asking me if I got it.

When I noted that the recall notice didn’t include the i-MiEV, he slapped his forehead and exclaimed that even he had forgotten that they were still making those things.

Mitsubishi Recalls

Are you serious? Look it it! It thinks it’s a car. Isn’t that precious.

“Look, we saw what happened to Suzuki and Isuzu. We just want people to know that’s not us,” he concluded before wiping away a single tear and walking away in a manner reminiscent of David Banner.

Owners can call Mitsubishi at 800-222-0037. Please, just call them. They’re so lonely. So very lonely. God, they just need you so much right now.

  • Kyle JohnsonEditor

    Kyle S. Johnson lives in Cincinnati, a city known by many as "the Cincinnati of Southwest Ohio." He enjoys professional wrestling, Halloween, and also other things. He has been writing for a while, and he plans to continue to write well into the future. See more articles by Kyle.

  • JM

    Mitsu just had the best March sales since 2008
    I love my new Outlander Sport. I got away
    from the $40-$60K cars and find the 420,500 one ideal.
    try one.

  • EDWARD SIEGEL

    BY/FROM FORMER “COBALT”(Ph.D.-THESIS/MSU/1970)-EXPERT-G.M./FORD/WESTINGHOUSE PHYSICIST/ENGINEER
    G.M.’S/DELCO’S (& FORD’S & CHRYSLER’S & TOYOTAS &…
    THE WHOLE AUTO INDUSTRY’S!!!
    [& AEROSPACE-INDUSTRY’S:
    B O E I N G:
    COMMERCIAL: 787-“DREAM”/NIGHTMARE(!!!)LINER(OF Li-ION BATTERY IN-FAMY!!!, MALAYSIA-AIR 767(NOW “666”!!!] IN-FAMY!!!; …; AIRBUS: …;
    & MILITARY:
    BOEING, LOCKHEED-MARTIN, NORTHRUP-GRUMMAN,…)
    T H E V E R Y – L O N G – T E R M R E C A L L PROBLEMS ROOT-CAUSE ULTIMATE-ORIGIN WAS TOO-OFTEN
    THEN(1960s-1980s-1990s) AND IS STILL NOW ONGOING(2000s):
    NOT JUST “SWITCHES”,
    BUT THEIR/SWITCHES’ INITIATORS,
    aka (PRESSURE) S E N S O R S, THAT CAN/DO/MUST
    TRIGGER/ACTIVATE/INITIATE ANY/ALL SWITCHES,
    MOST ESPECIALLY
    FRED KAVLI’S(RIP)
    K A V L I C O’S!!! (MOORPARK, CA.),
    [NOW OWNED BY FRANCE’S SCHNEIDER-ELECTRIC]:
    PRESSURE-SENSORSACCELEROMETERS (FAR INFERIOR TO ENDEVCO’S!!!),
    ALSO(AT VARIOUS GTIMES OVER VARIOUS DECADES)
    THERMAL/I.R., OPTICAL, MAGNETIC, RADIATION, …!!!
    KAVLI WENT ON TO BECOME A BILLIONAIRE AND FOUNDED THE KAVLI FOUNDATION(PRESIDENT: FMR. UCSD DEAN/PROFESSOR/DR/ NUCLEAR-ENGINEER/”PHYSICIST”) ROBERT CONN(AKA “CONJOB-BOB”), OXNARD, CA.) WHICH HAS AWARDED $$$ MILLIONS TO MANY UNIVERSITIES (EXAMPLE: UC SANTA BARBARA’S KAVLI INSTITUTE FOR THEORETICAL PHYSICS (KITP.ORG) AMONG LITERALLY DOZENS AND DOZENS AT: UCSD, UCI, UCR, MIT, HARVARD ETC. ETC,. ETC. …) BUT LITERALLY QUITE POSSIBLY AUTO-PURCHASERS’/ OWNERS’DRIVERS’PASSENGERS’/VICTIMS’ “BLOOD MONEY”,
    NO DOUBT FOUNDED AND FUNDED UPON THE INJURIES/GRAVES OF THE INJURED/DECEASED IN NEEDLESS AUTOMOBILE ACCIDENTS DUE TO MANY MANY TYPES IN MANY MANY APPLICATIONS KAVLI KAVLICO SENSORS’
    GENERIC ENDEMIC EXTANT ONGOING SYSTEMIC MALFUNCTIONING
    FOR SOME AT LEAST FOUR DECADES NOW!!!
    HOW DID KAVLI GET HIS MANY VARIOUS KAVLICO SENSORS TYPES SO WIDELY ACCEPTED???:
    EL CHEAPO MASS PRODUCTION
    LED TO
    EL CHEAPO MASS MARKETING
    LED TO
    EL CHEAPO MASS SALES
    (AT REDUCED PRICES UNDERSELLING HIS ONCE MANY COMPETITORS)
    LED TO
    EL CHEAPO COMPLETE LACK OF
    QUALITY-CONTROL(QC)/ QUALITY-ASSURANCE(QA)

    [SOME POSSIBLY CORROBORATING NAMES(IF STILL ALIVE!!!???:
    G.M.: DR. HARMON NINE(FRASER, MI.), STEVEN BABCOCK(LAST SEEN AT ATOMICS INTERNATIONAL, L.A.AREA); WILLIAM ISBELL(LAST SEEN AT LLNL BUT RETIRED BACK TO SANTA BARBARA); ALLEN MACMILLAN(ROCHESTER, MI.); DOUGLAS CHRISTMAN(ROCHESTER, MI.), FREDERICK SCHIERLOH, PETER HOCHSTEIN(!!!), HERBERT SHIPMAN(LAST SEEN IN SALT LAKE CITY); CHARLES WHITCHURCH, DAVID ROESSLER , DR./PROF. SIEGFRIED HECKER(LAST SEEN AS DIRECTOR OF LANL, THEN TO STANFORD UNIVERSITY), DONALD KOISTENEN, DR. BRIAN TAYLOR(BROWN UNIVERSITY ALUMNUS); DR. CHARLES BRUGGEMAN(UC-BERKELEY ALUMNUS); MICHAEL SHMENK(LAST SEEN MOVING OVER TO DAMLER-MERCEDES-BENZ IN GERMANY), ISIDORE HODES(CHIEF ENGINEER EMERITUS, G.M. MANUFACTURING STAFF), EDWARD COLE(G. M.PRESIDENT-EMERITUS), CHARLES VEST(MIT PRESIDENT-EMERITUS; CHAIRMAN-EMERITUS, NATIONAL ACADEMY OF ENGINEERING), COLIN MAIDEN, CHANCELLOR-EMERITUS, UNIVERSITY OF AUCKLAND(NEW ZEALAND), SIDNEY GREEN (FONDER/CHAIRMAN, TERRATEK, NOW SCHLUMBERGER/TERRATEK(SALT LAKE CITY)
    [& LAST BUT NOT HARDLY LEAST, FMR. ATTY. MICHAEL YOUNG ESQ., THEN PRESIDENT, UNIVERSITY OF UTAH,
    NOW PRESIDENT UNIVERSITY OF WASHINGTON,
    KNOWS A L O T ABOUT SUCH SENSOR PROBLEMS,
    MOST ESPECIALLY IN VIS A VIS JAPAN’S AUTOCOMPANIES VERSUS IN COMPETITORS U.S. AUTO COMPANIES!!!]

    BEFORE I JOINED THE NUCLEAR INDUSTRY
    (WESTINGHOUSE THEN PSEG THEN IAEA THEN ABB THEN ICTP=IAEA)
    I SPENT SEVERAL YEARS AT:
    MANUFACTURING-STAFF/G.M. TECH-CENTER, WARREN, MICHIGAN
    AND
    FORD MOTOR COMPANY SCIENTIFIC-LABORATORIES/SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH STAFF, DEARBORN, MICHIGAN,
    AND
    MY EX-WIFE AS AN ENGINEER AT CHRYSLER.

    EVEN THEN (1960s-1980s) SENSORS DUTY-CYCLES FATIGUE LIFE-CURTAILMENT WAS A MAJOR ISSUE
    [EXPERTS: PROF. ALAN WIDOM/PHYSICS/NORTHEASTERN UNIVERSITY; A UNIVERSITY OF ARIZONA PROFESSOR LONG VERY TURKISH NAME WHO HAS PUBLISHED WHOLE ENCYCLOPEDIAS OF RELIBILITY THEORY AND EXPERIMENTS OF LITERALLY ANYTHING/EVERYTHING, MOST EPECIALLY SENSORS!!!]
    THAT BOTH FORD AND G.M. AND CHRYSLER SWEPT UNDER THE RUG ROUTINELY!!!

    [INTERESTINGLY ONE MAJOR PREPERTRATOR AT FORD WAS SENIOR ENGINEERING V.P. BALMER, THE FATHER OF UNTIL RECENTLY MICROSOFT CEO STEVE BALMER, HE WHO PERSONALLY BROUGHT YOU THE TWIN DELIGHTS OF: THE WINDOWS-EIGHT HORROR-SHOW AND THE WINDOWS-XP SUPPORT-CESSATION HORROR-SHOW IMMINENTLY TO-COME NEXT WEEK ON 4/7/14, A DISASTER FOR MANY BUSINESSES INCLUDING MOST ATMS!!!]