Daniel Susco
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Mr. Miller Steals Coors Light Truck, Runs Over Own Ankle

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We all have impossible dreams—like when you were a kid, you always wanted to drive the ice cream truck, because then you would have all the ice cream you wanted. Then maybe you wanted to work at the toy store, because then you would get so many toys.

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Stuffed toys

Pictured: the inside of every Toys R Us employee’s rooms
Image: matt smith

Of course, you then grew up, realized business doesn’t work like that, and just got on with things.

We imagine that this lesson did not make it to 55-year-old Gregory Miller, who stole a Coors Light delivery truck from a Circle K in Columbus, Georgia, at 5:45 in the morning. We also presume that Miller really, really likes beer.

Coors Light

Figures that a man named “Miller” would one day steal a beer truck
Image: Nilo S. Miranda II

Of course, Miller did not apparently think through a few things about his beverage heist. The first is that a semi truck is not inconspicuous, especially before 6am. Police quickly located the truck, and Miller took them on a high-speed chase, which ended due to the second thing that Miller did not think through: Miller apparently does not know how to drive a semi truck very well.

Miller crashed into a fence behind a Bojangles restaurant, and bailed out of the truck. This might have led to another chase, but Miller missed one final bit of planning: engaging the parking brake.

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Parking Brake

Pictured: a very important thing
Image: Jayel Aheram

As he jumped out of the truck, it rolled and ran over Miller’s leg.

Miller was caught (unsurprisingly) and taken to the hospital with severe injuries to his ankle, where he was listed in “Unsatisfactory” condition.

No word whether the hospital will allow Miller a case of brew, but we advise them to lock their ambulances while he’s there—Miller might just try for some free health care.

News Source: WTVM

  • Daniel SuscoEditor

    Daniel Susco is a native of the Dayton-Cincinnati area, and has written on a multitude of subjects. He can discuss Shakespeare, expound on Classical Mythology, and even make witty jokes about Pliny the Elder (More like “Pliny the Rounder,” right?). In his free time, Daniel enjoys reading, cooking, woodworking, and long walks on the beach (just kidding – sunburn is no joke). See more articles by Daniel.