Kyle Johnson
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Rick Perry Calls Tesla Ban “Antiquated,” Probably Doesn’t Get Irony

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Governor doesn't want women to have equal pay or LGBT citizens to get married, but he sure thinks those laws that protect the dealerships who help fund his campaign are antiquated! Oh, Rick, you so crazy.

Texas Governor Rick Perry showed up on FOX Business on Monday to tell Maria Bartiromo that his state needed to re-evaluate the “antiquated” laws that have banned Tesla from selling their vehicles in the state (you know, the laws they just upheld about a year ago). This is a pretty jarring and sudden reversal from Perry considering that his state is one of the few to block Tesla’s direct sales model and the fact that he himself stands as the top recipient of car dealership vote-buying cash.

So what gives? Why is this robust, morally impeccable, and not-at-all-ridiculous politician suddenly changing his tune? The prospect of a $5 billion Gigafactory that will create 6,500 jobs will do that for you.

Perry told FOX’s Bartiromo on Monday’s edition of Opening Bell:

“These are old laws that have been put into place, and I’m not going to argue whether they’re right or wrong for then, but now it does make ultimate sense, from my perspective…we live in a different world than what we lived in 30 years ago…than 10 years ago.”

Perry went on to call the laws forbidding Tesla from selling directly in Texas “antiquated.” If you know anything about Rick Perry and his belief system, the admission on his behalf that the world has changed over the course of a decade is enough to make you start thinking that maybe his ridiculous views on same-sex marriage and equal pay for women are not the result of him being trapped in a time loop that leaves him perpetually thinking it’s the year 1923, but rather the result of him being a narrow-minded and unabashedly prejudiced ass.

Rick Perry

I have come here to wear reading glasses and be logical. And I’m all out of logical.

After all, Perry is one of those political dinosaurs (don’t let that well-coiffed hair and those youthful reading glasses fool you). You know the type: very rich, very male, very Christian, very heterosexual, and likely very prone to frequent, horrifying nightmares about being any one of the things he isn’t. He’s the kind of guy who calls the push for equal pay for men and women “nonsense” because there are more important things to worry about in Texas, and includes among those things the urgent matter of ensuring that Texans aren’t made to feel oogie by legalized gay marriage. Remember this positively charming message from his doomed 2012 presidential campaign in which he wore your dad’s coat and said some really stupid things?

He really tried to out-crazy Santorum, but he couldn’t topple the master.

Maria Bartiromo asked Perry if his gut told him that Tesla should be able to sell their cars to the customer, and Perry responded by saying, “It really makes sense when you think about it. I mean, the world’s changing.”

Yes it is, Rick. You might want to start applying that logic to some other things, too, while you’re at it.

Of course, if Rick Perry makes good on his word and turns the tide in time to win Texas the Gigafactory, it’ll be a huge boon for the state. We’ll keep you posted as to the latest developments regarding the Gigafactory as the automotive equivalent of The Bachelor wears on. Tune in next week to see if Elon gives Rick Perry a rose or if he leaves with his heartbroken (he’ll probably blame women or same-sex couples in his post-elimination comments anyway).

  • Kyle JohnsonEditor

    Kyle S. Johnson lives in Cincinnati, a city known by many as "the Cincinnati of Southwest Ohio." He enjoys professional wrestling, Halloween, and also other things. He has been writing for a while, and he plans to continue to write well into the future. See more articles by Kyle.