Kyle Johnson
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Shelby Mustang GT500 Miller, A Person, Arrested for Hatchet Attack

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Shelby Mustang GT 500 Miller

Shelby Mustang GT 500 Miller: American Hero, Possible Future Ax Murderer
Photo: Polk County Sheriff’s Office

It’s not often that you find a news story that somehow manages to horrify you, cause you to lose faith in humanity, and make you laugh all at the same time. Today, friends, is a day for such a story. Today, we discuss a man. But not just any man. A drunk man. But not just any drunk man. A drunk man wielding a hatchet and threatening violence against bar patrons. But not just any drunk man wielding a hatchet and threatening violence against bar patrons. No, this is a drunk man wielding a hatchet and threatening violence against bar patrons while answering to the name…Shelby Mustang GT500 Miller.

From The Des Moines Register comes the story of Shelby Mustang GT500 Miller, a Des Moines man who was arrested Thursday morning and charged with going armed with intent, public intoxication, and violation of his parole. Gee, you mean Shelby Mustang GT500 Miller has priors? But he looks like such a well-adjusted dude.

Miller was seen involved in an argument by police officers passing Cheap Seats Sports Bar around 1 am Thursday morning. After being carted home by friends, the overserved Man with a Pony Car Name returned, allegedly, with a hatchet hidden beneath his shirt.

When officers confronted Shelby Mustang GT500 the human being about the hatchet, he told them that they had “the wrong guy.” Clearly, they should have been looking for his cousin Transit Connect Wagon Miller or Taurus Jones.

Shelby Mustang GT500 Miller is currently being held without bond in Polk County Jail.

If you’re the kind of person who likes drinking with someone interesting who may or may not rip his shirt off and come after you with an ax, you should go drinking with Shelby Mustang GT500 Miller. Clearly, he’s the life of the party. So much so that he ought to consider changing his name to Fiesta Miller. Or perhaps Shelby Mustang GT500 Miller High Life because he’s “The Champagne of Dudes Attempting to Kill You with a Hatchet.”

Kyle S. Johnson lives in Cincinnati, a city known by many as “the Cincinnati of Southwest Ohio.” He enjoys professional wrestling, Halloween, and also other things. He has been writing for a while, and he plans to continue to write well into the future. See more articles by Kyle.