Kyle Johnson
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Titanium Tesla Shield Will Make Model S Even Safer, Prevent Fire Risk

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Hey, GM. Wanna see how to address safety concerns and show your customers that their safety is of the utmost importance? Take notes.

Remember how people were deathly concerned about the epidemic of fires breaking out in Tesla vehicles (read: two instances that resulted in no injuries) and swallowing them whole in an angry conflagration? Funny to think how several months later, the two Tesla fires pale in comparison to the seemingly endless parade of ridiculous things that happen to GM vehicles. In any case, Tesla Chairman & CEO Elon Musk took to Medium this morning to tell the world that the Model S will be adding the Tesla shield, which is a three component system comprised of a titanium underbody shield and aluminum deflector plates to ensure that the world’s safest car stays that way.

According to Musk’s blog, all Tesla vehicles manufactured from March 6 on will have a triple-layered underbody shield. Because Tesla is the epitome of all that is evil with the world (at least if you ask politicians and dealer association reps), they’ll retrofit all Tesla Model S models made prior to the upgrade with the shield for free.  Seriously, unless it’s a safety recall for a faulty component (hi, General Motors), you aren’t getting an inspection done for free, let alone having a vital part added in order to improve your vehicle’s safety.

The titanium underbody shield was tested 152 times, and in each instance, “the shields prevented any damage that could cause a fire or penetrate the existing quarter inch of ballistic grade aluminum armor plate that already protects the battery pack.” The Tesla vehicles were driven over steel structures that would normal pike the battery, and in every instance, the Tesla shield won with a Mortal Kombat-esque Flawless Victory.

Tesla 1 Tesla Shield

 

So crush. Very slow mo. Much protect. Wow. Amaze.

The Tesla shield is comprised of three parts: a hollow aluminum bar that serves to deflect objects and absorb impact; a titanium plate that protects front underbody components and neutralizes road debris; and a shallow angle, solid aluminum extrusion that further protects the underbody and allows the Model S to ramp over solid objects that would otherwise cause damage.

“As the empirical evidence suggests, the underbody shields are not needed for a high level of safety. However, there is significant value to minimizing owner inconvenience in the event of an impact and addressing any lingering public misperception about electric vehicle safety. With a track record of zero deaths or serious, permanent injuries since our vehicles went into production six years ago, there is no safer car on the road than a Tesla. The addition of the underbody shields simply takes it a step further.”

STOP TRYING TO PUT GOOD, HONEST COMPANIES LIKE GENERAL MOTORS OUT OF BUSINESS WITH YOUR FORWARD-THINKING BUSINESS PRACTICES AND COMMITMENT TO CUSTOMER SAFETY, ELON MUSK! YOU DISGUST US!

  • Kyle JohnsonEditor

    Kyle S. Johnson lives in Cincinnati, a city known by many as "the Cincinnati of Southwest Ohio." He enjoys professional wrestling, Halloween, and also other things. He has been writing for a while, and he plans to continue to write well into the future. See more articles by Kyle.