Daniel Susco
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The DOE’s ‘How to Be a Clean Energy Baller’ Is One Long, Hilarious Dad Joke

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When I was in college, my writing professors put a lot of emphasis on the “voice” of the writer, mostly in making sure that your style of writing could change to get across exactly the meaning you intended. For example, writing in slang and referring to yourself a lot can make your articles more relaxed and informal, while saying things like “one wishes that the board of directors would realize their mistake” can make you sound far more formal and stiff.

However, there can be some seriously funny results when you mix those two extremes together.


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clean energy baller

Photo: Sarah Harman, US Department of Energy

Behold this excerpt from an article from the US Department of Energy, usually thought of as pretty straight-laced and formal, titled “How to be a Clean Energy Baller: Drive an Electric Car.”

“There’s a new revolution going on that’s redefining what coolness is. No longer is clean energy just for those who wear socks and sandals (which is very comfortable, by the way). It’s a growing lifestyle that even hipsters can’t hate on. From electric cars to algae surfboards, there’s a ton of low-carbon swag out there to elevate your status in becoming a clean energy baller.”

How do you do, fellow kids?

The article goes on to list four reasons “why clean energy ballers drive electric cars.

First, “Electric cars are kind of like ninjas—they’re quick, quiet and extremely agile. And honestly, what’s more baller than a ninja?” It points out that the Model S P90D with Ludicrous Mode can go 0 to 60 in 2.8 seconds, adding, “That is ludicrous. Ludicrously baller!”

Next, “No clean energy baller would be caught dead in a car that doesn’t look stylish or help out the environment.” While it doesn’t point out any car in particular, it does have a picture of the BMW i8 underneath, and includes the sentence, “From luxury cars to compacts, these vehicles prove that you can ball at any budget.”

Mitsubishi i-MiEV driving 2

But don’t forget about the i-MiEV, you guys

Of course, “Let’s face it, everyone wants to upgrade to the latest and greatest technology and that’s exactly what clean energy ballers get with electric cars.” The article lists several tech features found in electric cars, including Tesla’s Summon feature, and “How baller is that?!”

tesla-model-s-01-2

Ludicrously baller.

Finally, mostly thanks to recent California legislation, “Finally, whether you like it or not, clean energy ballers get VIP treatment.” VIP treatment, that is, including attracting attention, starting conversations, and building up “your posse,” which the article points out you can now take down the HOV lane on the highway to “roll right up to the next hot spot.”

Coming from the US Department of Energy, the whole thing comes across like a long, informational dad joke, and it is fantastic. All joking aside, its points are good—EVs are fast, with the instant torque delivered by electric motors giving a unique and quick pull off the line; electric cars like the BMW i8 and the Chevy Volt do look seriously good; EVs tend to come with advanced features like exterior cameras, heated seats, automatic climate control, and so on; and EVs do benefit from special programs like state and federal government tax incentives, as well as HOV lane access and a certain amount of public interest.

All in all, I would have to agree with the US DoE—driving an electric car definitely would be “baller.”


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News Source: US Department of Energy

  • Daniel SuscoEditor

    Daniel Susco is a native of the Dayton-Cincinnati area, and has written on a multitude of subjects. He can discuss Shakespeare, expound on Classical Mythology, and even make witty jokes about Pliny the Elder (More like “Pliny the Rounder,” right?). In his free time, Daniel enjoys reading, cooking, woodworking, and long walks on the beach (just kidding – sunburn is no joke). See more articles by Daniel.