Top 10 Pokémon That Would Make Terrible Drivers
There’s one thing on everyone’s minds these days–and on their phones: Pokémon. With the release and overwhelming popularity of Pokémon Go, these pocket monsters are appearing everywhere…except (luckily) behind the steering wheels of cars. It’s dangerous enough hearing about people playing Pokémon Go while driving, but could you imagine those creatures actually driving vehicles by themselves?
Undeniably, certain Pokémon would make far worse drivers and should never be allowed to operate moving vehicles (and if they did, it would be up to traffic cops to “catch ’em all”). And that’s why I’ve compiled this list of the top 10 Pokémon that would be the worst drivers.
I admit, this list is entirely subjective and nonsensical–most Pokémon don’t even have arms or legs, let alone live long enough to receive a driver’s permit. You’ll probably have many suggestions of which Pokemon should have been included, but since this is my list, I’m limiting it to the first generation. ‘Cuz it was the best.
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Slow drivers are hazards to everyone around them, especially meandering down the highway. If driving is problematic when you’re stuck behind an old man wearing a hat cruising down a country road on a Sunday afternoon, imagine running into this pink monstrosity.
The notoriously dim-witted Slowpoke not only has slow reaction time, crippling forgetfulness, and an alarming lack of concentration, he will also frequently stop his car to go dip his tail in sewer drains.
What’s more dangerous than a slow driver? One who’s constantly dozing off behind the wheel. Despite having arms and legs which could be used to operate a car, this psychic type Pokémon is constantly tired (you can see it in those eyes).
And once he learns Insomnia, he’s never going to get enough sleep to safely operate a moving vehicle.
For similar reasons to Drowzee except this guy is nearly always asleep and his arms couldn’t reach a steering wheel, Snorlax would make a dangerous driver. Oh, and there’s the fact there isn’t a vehicle big enough to fit this humongous oaf. Don’t suggest that he could fit in the cabin of a semi truck; there’s no way it’s safe to let this thing operate a tanker.
Plus, considering he eats hundreds of pounds of anything he can find when he’s hungry, he’ll probably consume his own vehicle when he’s got the munchies.
It’s difficult to concentrate on the road with one backseat driver arguing with you–imagine having half-a-dozen heads trying to operate a vehicle! It’s true that Exeggutor and Dugtrio also are multiple units in one entity, but as both of those Pokémon are evolved forms, they seem like they have their act together way more than Exeggcute does. Imagine these things trying to figure out GPS directions…
And if an Exeggcute ever got in even the slightest fender-bender, the bodies would crack and shatter all over the dashboard. No seatbelts are designed for a gang of free-roaming eggs.
We’ve all encountered dangerously inept drivers on the road–heck, we write about them pretty frequently on The News Wheel–but none of them would compare to the utter uselessness of this fish. This floundering fool takes the cake when it comes to being unproficient and undexterous (his high jump won’t get him anywhere inside a car).
Good luck trying to teach a Magikarp how to operate a vehicle; you’ll just get that blank stare the whole time as you start inexplicably craving sushi…
As adorable as it is, something about this guy makes me worried he’d be way too distracted behind the wheel–far more than all those teenagers taking selfies. Mew would probably float out of its car if it saw something interesting on the side of the road and would let that speeding hunk of metal careen unoccupied down the highway.
But then again, with its ability to make itself invisible, who knows if that speeding vehicle is actually unoccupied or not.
No, Electrode isn’t on this list just because he doesn’t have arms or legs. In fact, his bodily production of electricity would probably be able to fuel an electric vehicle without it ever needing to stop for recharging. What put Electrode in this list isn’t just his driving ability, but what disasters would happen were he ever to wreck his car or get annoyed. Considering this Pokémon’s penchant for exploding, allowing him to operate a machine in the middle of heavy traffic seems like a bad idea.
For that reason, Electrode is a tie with Voltorb.
One of the most intelligent Pokémon ever, Mewtwo may have incredible abilities to maneuver a car, but he also has a ton of emotional damage and pent-up rage issues (far worse than any New York drivers you’ll encounter).
Luckily, he can fly and wouldn’t need to drive a vehicle–because, being a psychic type, I doubt anyone would be able to deny him a driver’s license.
Government and manufacturer regulations are all about eco-friendly driving, so it’s doubtful they’d allow someone who has a bigger carbon footprint than the vehicle it’s driving pass an emissions test. And those toxic gases would destroy a vehicle’s air filtration and HVAC systems.
He’d be more useful around crowded streets where he could absorb the pollution expelled by other vehicles.
Admittedly, Hitmonlee would actually probably make a pretty good driver–he’s got a human-sized, fully developed bipedal body with arms and legs. But what would concern me is what would happen if I pissed this fighting-type off in any way. He seems like the kind of guy who would get out and physically assault you if pulled out in front of him.
And judging by his speed and claws…I wouldn’t live to press charges.
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- Aaron WidmarSenior Editor
Aaron is unashamed to be a native Clevelander and the proud driver of a 1995 Saturn SC-2 (knock on wood). He gleefully utilizes his background in theater, literature, and communication to dramatically recite his own articles to nearby youth. Mr. Widmar happily resides in Dayton, Ohio with his magnificent wife, Vicki, but is often on the road with her exploring new destinations. Aaron has high aspirations for his writing career but often gets distracted pondering the profound nature of the human condition and forgets what he was writing... See more articles by Aaron.