World Cup of Cars: Belgium vs. Russia
Despite losing their opening matchups in our World Cup of Cars thanks to a lack of exciting cars, Russia and Belgium have been anything but boring. Their 12pm EST matchup from Estádio Maracanã might prove to be one of the more exciting matches of the weekend, but we can’t necessarily say the same for their matchup here. For Belgium vs. Russia, we pit the Volvo C30 against the Lada Priora. I see you shiver with antici…
So we opted to go with the Volvo C30 because it’s a Belgian-made hatchback that’s spacious, powerful, and fun. Also, it’s a zombie. Production on the C30 ended in 2013, but the C30 remains popular in the country of its origin. While we love the fact that it came standard with a turbo-five and carried a low starting price, we’re probably most fond of dat butt.
Gone, but never forgotten.
Belgium vs. Russia – Lada Priora (Russia)
Ugh. Despite our many talents here at The News Wheel, we are incapable of reading Cyrillic, leaving us at the mercy of Google Translate. Oddly enough, when we went to the Priora’s Russian website to get the details, this is what the translation told us:
“OH MY GOD, THIS CAR. YOU KNOW THE EXPRESSION WHERE SOMEONE IS SAID TO HAVE BEEN BEATEN WITH AN UGLY STICK? THE PRIORA WAS SURROUNDED BY A PACK OF FERAL COSSACKS WHOSE WHIP TIPS HAD BEEN DIPPED IN UGLY SAUCE, AND ONCE THEY HAD FINISHED GIVING THE PRIORA ITS LASHES, THEY DRAGGED IT TO AN INDUSTRIAL PLANT IN MOSCOW WHERE THEY THREW IT INTO A BUBBLING VAT OF UGLY CHEMICALS, FROM WHENCE IT EMERGED HIDEOUS AND UTTERLY INSANE. BASICALLY, THE JOKER’S ORIGIN STORY, EXCEPT THE PRIORA IS WAY LESS CHARISMATIC AND TWICE AS SADISTIC. WHY SO SERIOUS?”
And yes, it was in all caps.
If the World Cup emulated the World Cup of Cars, Belgium vs. Russia would end two days before the match even starts when the Russian team emerges from its hotel and the villagers chase them into a windmill with torches and pitchforks. Despite the fact that the C30 is no more, it’s the Lada Priora that belongs dead.
Tune in to see Belgium vs. Russia today at 12 on ABC.