UPDATE (7/9/15): In the above video, Brock Lesnar utterly destroys J&J Security’s brand new Cadillac. The article below was an April Fools’ joke that turned out to be eerily accurate…you know, just several months later.
The victim, a 2002 Mercury Mountaineer, was pronounced dead by a representative from the Pick-N-Pull
A 2002 Mercury Mountaineer was killed early Tuesday morning after a violent collision with former WWE World Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar. The Mountaineer was 13 years old.
According to Claude Mottle, the bereaved driver of the departed Mercury, he emerged from the Subway on W San Fernando St at approximately 12:38 am to discover what he initially thought to be a hairless Sasquatch “suplexing the ever-loving bejeezus out of my SUV.”
Lesnar, seen here sporting a Jimmy John’s hat, has been on a violent rampage since being removed from the SAP Center Monday night
Photo: WWE
“He was just screaming at the thing and throwing it all over the place like it was nothing at all,” said Mottle, the manager of the Subway. “I only recognized who he was when I noticed the fight shorts. Bigfoot don’t wear no fight shorts.”
Late Monday evening, Lesnar was removed from the SAP Center after attacking and injuring several personnel at the WWE Raw live event, leaving the disgruntled former UFC Heavyweight Champion to spill his rampage out onto the streets of San Jose in spectacular fashion. Police later concluded that Lesnar left the arena—located several blocks away—on foot, and that he had, according to SJPD Lieutenant Cribs Martin, “German suplexed everything in his path for the better part of three miles” before the fatal encounter with the Mercury.
According to Mottle, he attempted to freeze when Lesnar noticed him, hoping that Lesnar might have movement-based vision like that of a T-Rex. Instead, Mottle alleges that Lesnar referred to him as “puny sandwich man” and began closing in upon him. His life may have only been spared through the grace of some quick thinking.
“I just started shouting ‘Jimmy John’s,’ you know. It was all I could think to do,” Mottle said. “He asked ‘where,’ and I told him the closest one was in San Francisco. And so he just sniffed the air, turned around, and started going. I was so relieved. I thought I was done.”
Mottle noted that a stout, balding man in a suit—later identified as Paul Heyman, Lesnar’s advocate—was standing at a cautious distance and pleading with his client in an attempt to calm him down. Heyman could not be reached for comment.
So far, police estimate the damages from Downtown San Jose to Burbank run somewhere north of $42 million, with countless vehicles overturned and small structures toppled along a winding path of destruction that has landed as many as 80 people in the hospital.
It is expected that all parties involved will recover in time. Sadly, Mottle’s Mountaineer stands as the lone exception.
“It’s tough,” Mottle said. “I had a lot of good times in that thing, but I suppose it’s in a better place now.”
When it was impressed upon Mottle that the Mountaineer was being crushed into a cube at a nearby scrap yard, he reiterated, “Yeah, better place.”
Brock Lesnar remains at large. Authorities warn that he is not armed, but that he is extremely dangerous nonetheless . Citizens are advised to stow their vehicles in carports until further notice, and state officials are currently mulling over a mandatory curfew until Lesnar either retreats into his cave in Minnesota or is apprehended.
If you have any information on Lesnar’s whereabouts, please call 1-787-539-2489.
(Full disclosure: I’m not sure if this is how you April Fools’, but I’m sticking with it.)
Kyle S. Johnson lives in Cincinnati, a city known by many as “the Cincinnati of Southwest Ohio.” He enjoys professional wrestling, Halloween, and also other things. He has been writing for a while, and he plans to continue to write well into the future. See more articles by Kyle.