Kyle Johnson

Ted Cruz Parks Exactly How You Think He Would Park

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It’s been a while since we’ve heard from Ted Cruz, who has more or less been doing his best to stay out of the public eye after having his presidential campaign swallowed up by the Great Doom Machine Trump with the same ferocity that Cruz himself once sucked a booger off of his lip on national television.

Today, Cruz rolled up to work for the first time since he heard the cries of a nation that seemed to agree “actually, we would feel slightly more comfortable being represented by a racist, baby-fingered failure merchant than a goo-faced maybe-serial-killer who thinks that he is King of the Uterus.”  And he did so in the most Ted Cruz way possible: with his security detail double-parking his GMC Terrain like the total knob that he is.

How could Ted Cruz, a man whose body composition may very well be hovering around 80% marmalade, expect to be the leader of the free world if he cannot even abide by the very basic principles of parking a vehicle within the lines? Perhaps this is his subtle way of telling the world that he doesn’t feel confined by parking lines or party lines, and that he is the true outsider candidate that America needs. He’s a man who wants to reach across the aisle and work with everyone, just don’t touch the paintjob on his sweet SUV.

Or, perhaps, it is more likely that Ted Cruz parked like this because he’s just a kind of simpering, entitled manbaby who is so utterly inept that he could not defeat a political opponent whose campaign is primarily third-grade playground garbage-talk and looking like an orange-tinted turd sack topped with a flattened cat carcass.

Meanwhile, Cruz told Glenn Beck on Tuesday that he could very well consider rebooting his campaign if he should win the Nebraska primary somehow. He may want to concern himself first with whether his GMC is going to get keyed in the parking lot or not.

Via: Gawker