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Terrible Car Snacks Nobody Talks About: The Third Lap

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An image of a diner-style meal, complete with a burger and a milkshake. not a terrible way to spend an afternoon.
Photo: Edward via CC

In what I have chosen to consider a philanthropic effort, I’ve decided to use my role at The News Wheel as a bully pulpit to steer the general population away from certain terrible car snacks. Thus far, I’ve covered sunflower seeds, concord grapes, and dippables like chicken nuggets. And now, I turn my sights to the sour candy, Warheads.


Forget extreme tastes: Feel a real extreme behind the wheel of the Silverado 1500


What makes them a terrible car snack?

For those of you who don’t know, Warheads are small, hard candies coated in a layer of citric acid designed to make them really, really sour.

The ways in which Warheads prove themselves to be terrible car snacks are plentiful. First, they’re individually packaged, so you either need to use two hands or one hand and your teeth to remove the little wrapper. Second, if you try to eat too many of them in a row, it can start to hurt — a lot. I don’t think I need to explain why somewhat severe mouth pain doesn’t exactly improve on-road safety or awareness.

Next, you need to confront the reality that you just described candy as “a snack,” which is a challenging concept. Finally, you have to find something to do with all the wrappers. Sure, you could toss them in a car-friendly trash can, but I guarantee a few of those bad boys will find a new home under your seat.

Why are they particularly bad for me?

Despite the fact that I present this series from a position of (thoroughly undeserved) moral superiority, I’m not blind to my own faults. In that spirit, I will reveal my shame in the hopes that you learn from my folly.

You see, when you introduce a Warhead to your mouth, it hits you hard and fast with a sudden burst of sourness. After roughly 10 seconds, that fades away, leaving you with a flavorless, generally unpleasant candy experience. My solution has been to pop one in, enjoy the sour surge, and then discard it into a nearby receptacle.

Putting aside the fact that I’ve almost certainly done irreversible damage to my teeth, this welcomes a couple of unfortunate dimensions to the driving experience. The first is that peeling off the wrapper, sucking on the candy, and then getting rid of it is virtually the same thing as spitting out a sunflower seed, except Warheads are bigger, stickier, and much more unsightly. The second is that the pain factor is multiplied, and with it, the opportunity for on-road distraction.

So, learn from my terrible example. Please, don’t Warhead and drive.


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