Kyle Johnson

What the Hell is Up With This Anti-Speeding Ad?

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The moral here: don't eat quesadillas in the morning. Ever.

Here’s something you need to see on your Wednesday morning: a preposterously sensational anti-speeding ad straight out of Northern Ireland that basically says speeders are the kind of irresponsible jerks who flip their hatchbacks, break the laws of physics, and inexplicably wipe out an entire picnic’s worth of children.

anti-speeding ad


Yeah, have a look for yourself.

I mean, we’ve got it all here: an acoustic cover of “Sweet Child O’ Mine” that follows the unnecessary trend of taking rock songs and trying to make them sound tender,  FORESHADOWING, and a grown man eating what appears to be a cheese quesadilla in the early morning.

anti-speeding ad

You are a grown man, Jerry. Eat a real breakfast.

The ad makes sure not to skimp on imagery of kids exploring the wilderness and playing ring around the rosie so that we don’t forget that they are kids. What it neglects to do, however, is give any real precedent for this:

anti-speeding ad

Oh, they’re not going to seriouslyKids and Car

They wouldn’t actuallyCrushed

Yeah. They make sure that you see every last second of the kids getting squished by the hatchback. IT’S THE ONLY WAY YOU WILL LEARN THE ERROR OF YOUR WAYS!

Here’s the most disturbing part: look at the teachers. Why were they all able to safely avoid the car? How did they know it was coming? Why do they all look so indifferent? Were they Village of the Damned kids or something? Was this all part of some plot to rid the town of telepathic demon children? Is the speeder actually the hero of this fable?

anti-speeding ad

*ominous music plays*

To make sure that we don’t miss the point (since the actual anti-speeding ad to this point has failed to actually suggest anything about speed), a grave voiceover tells us: “Since 2000, speeding has killed a classroom of our children.” Then, because it wields its message with all the subtlety of a blow from the Mjölnir, we get this:

anti-speeding ad

Also, your parents are disowning you

The point is clear: speeders are terrible, horrible, no good, very bad people who eat dinner for breakfast. If you are a speeder, you are advocating the death of children. Why do you hate children?anti-speeding ad

Look, I think we can all agree that cars can be extremely dangerous things when they are not handled responsibly (which is more than some folks would even care to admit about firearms, for fear of a giant Obamandroid crashing through their walls and taking all their guns, despite the fact that guns seem to kill a classroom of children in America about every two weeks).

anti-speeding ad

Patriots: “Yeah, but they totally make sure nobody messes with you while you order your burrito.”

And if you’re the kind of dumbass who goes flying into a slight curve on a city street fast enough that you’ll flip the thing, then you shouldn’t be driving.

Chris Thompson does a fantastic job taking down the “speed kills” myth in a 15-minute video that is very much worth your time, and even #Unfiltered host Jill Krop admits—in trying to shoot down Thompson’s call to increase speed limits—that nobody obeys speed limits.

Anti-Speeding Ad

This kid is imagining that his car is going 33mph in a 35mph zone. RESPONSIBLE!

And it’s true: you’ve probably heard the old saying “9 you’re fine, 10 you’re mine,” which suggests police officers will give you about a 9 mile per hour buffer before they’ll even consider pulling you over. It’s common knowledge enough that everyone drives over the speed limit to the point that even police officers will tell you that the actual limit doesn’t matter.

#179620680 /

Eh, just kind of do whatever. But not too much whatever.

This is a fact: if you are in the left lane and traveling at the legal 65mph speed limit, you are going too slow and you will get passed or tailgated until you get the hell out of the fast lane.

Yet, despite people ignoring the posted limits and traveling between speeds of 70mph and 85mph, the highway isn’t littered with flipped over hatchbacks and smoldering corpses. Why? Because people will naturally drive their vehicles at a speed at which they feel comfortable. If someone is driving faster than the speed limit, it’s likely because they feel that they are capable of handling it. Despite what this crazy anti-speeding ad wants you to think, people aren’t hot to die violent deaths in cars.

Do we really need speed limits? It’s hard to say. If someone wants to drive 110mph in their BMW and weave in and out of traffic, they’re going to do it. If someone feels like 65mph is too fast, they’re going to crawl along in the right-hand land at whatever speed works for them. There are outliers—there always are—but for the most part, adult drivers tend to have enough experience to know what’s safe for them and what isn’t.

Source: Jalopnik