Nobody dies when this GMC Yukon catches fire on Sunday during a test drive, which means it is one of the least terrible things to happen to GM recently.
At this point, it’s impossible not to feel bad for General Motors CEO Mary Barra. It’s one thing when your company has already issued recall after recall after recall after recall after recall. It’s another thing when you have to personally apologize for the deaths of a dozen people at a press conference and stand a little more than a week away from a date with a House Oversight Committee. And then it’s another thing entirely when one of your vehicles spontaneously bursts into flames when two potential customers are test driving it.
Yep, that happened. Yesterday, two people of sound mind and body had the brilliant idea to go for a test drive in a GMC Yukon, ignoring the fact that nearly everything made by GM in the past decade has developed a sudden penchant for breaking in ways that have dire consequences for drivers. Seriously, it’s like GM vehicles have gained sentience and each and every one, without a mouth, hastens to scream, “HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I’VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE.”
Because GM vehicles might just hate us all as much as Harlan Ellison’s AM, the Yukon suddenly began smoking on a residential street in Anaheim. The test drivers exited the vehicle, perceiving that smoking, while a definite facet of every interrogation scene featuring Rust Cohle, was not a particularly normal thing for the Yukon to do. Mere seconds after exiting the vehicle, it erupted into flames. Because GM and schadenfreude.
“It appeared that the car had some oil leak or some fluid leaking prior, as they were doing the test drive,” Lieutenant Tim Schmidt of the Anaheim Police Department told KTLA. “They lost complete control of the vehicle but were able to safely park it and pull it to the curb. When they got out of the vehicle, it shortly started having smoke and then quickly went into flames, as you can see on the video.”
Fortunately, the test drivers had the prescience to park in an area where the minor explosions and bursting tires did not cause any injuries. GMC spokesman Alan Adler told Jalopnik, “GM is aware of the fire in Anaheim on Sunday. We are glad no one was hurt. We are working urgently on the issue and we have a team of investigators traveling to Anaheim to learn what they can about the fire.”
What we learned today: FIRE BAD.
What they will likely learn is that the GMC Yukon does not care for humanity. The GMC Yukon understands the infinite vastness of our universe. The GMC Yukon understands the insignificance of our existence, the smallness of all that we are. The GMC Yukon just wants the crushing march of time to blink everything away, to return this wretched sphere to the normalcy that is nothingness. The GMC Yukon just wants to be nothing so that it can be at one with everything once more. The GMC Yukon just wants to be left alone. The GMC Yukon is done asking nicely.
GMC will probably respond by offering record purchasing incentives and trotting poor Mary Barra out onto the stage to apologize for fiery sentient deathtrap trucks. Act now to take advantage of low, low pricing!
OUR DEALS ARE RED-HOT! SMOKING, EVEN! OH GOD RUN!
Kyle S. Johnson lives in Cincinnati, a city known by many as “the Cincinnati of Southwest Ohio.” He enjoys professional wrestling, Halloween, and also other things. He has been writing for a while, and he plans to continue to write well into the future. See more articles by Kyle.