Kyle Johnson
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NHTSA Closes Tesla Fire Investigation After Titanium Plate Announcement

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Some men just want to watch the world burn. Elon Musk doesn't really want to watch his cars burn, which is why the NHTSA has closed their investigation into the Tesla Model S and its potential fire risk.

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Elon Musk announced on Medium  this morning that the Tesla Model S will be adding triple underbody shields to all models manufactured after March 6. And because Musk is a heartless business man whose only concern is the bottom line, every Model S manufactured and sold prior to the standardization of the underbody shield will be retrofitted with the fire risk-preventing shields for the cost of zero dollars and zero cents. As such, the move to ensure that all Tesla vehicles will be as safe as humanly possible has inspired the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) to close their investigation into the Model S that resulted from two fires that occurred last year.

“The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration has decided to close our investigation of the Model S Vehicle. NHTSA believes the company’s revision to the vehicle’s ride height and increased underbody protection should reduce both the frequency of underbody strikes and the risk of resulting fires. Consumers should have their vehicles serviced promptly once they receive notification from Tesla Motors.”

What’s more, a blog Musk wrote back on November 18 included the following line:

“While we think it is highly unlikely, if something is discovered [in the NHTSA’s investigation] that would result in a material improvement in occupant fire safety, we will immediately apply that change to new cars and offer it as a free retrofit to all existing cars.”

It’s…it’s almost like Elon Musk is a man of his word. How utterly, unfathomably unusual.“I’m a man of my word.”

 Quick! We need to stop Elon Musk before he poisons Gotham City’s water supply and manufactures a bunch of sporty, safe, and efficient sedans without going through proper channels!

Congratulations to Elon and Tesla on yet another victory in their quest for truth and logic and, okay, maybe chaos.

joker clapping


  • Kyle JohnsonEditor

    Kyle S. Johnson lives in Cincinnati, a city known by many as "the Cincinnati of Southwest Ohio." He enjoys professional wrestling, Halloween, and also other things. He has been writing for a while, and he plans to continue to write well into the future. See more articles by Kyle.