The News Wheel
No Comments

The ‘Pen Pineapple Apple Pen’ Guy Should be in Every Car Ad

Decrease Font Size Increase Font Size Text Size Print This Page
A pineapple in what appears to be a crystal-clear pool of water
Photo: PxHere via CC

The last year or so hasn’t been particularly kind to the automotive industry — for obvious reasons. In order to emerge from this challenging period, it will have to adapt and perhaps take some drastic measures. Since my livelihood is tied to the continued success of this particular form of business, I’ve decided to offer up a brilliant idea that’s sure to increase profits.

Make the “Pen Pineapple Apple Pen” guy the frontman in all of your commercials.

Load the bed up with pens, pineapples, or whatever: The Sierra 1500 AT4 can take it

What is “Pen Pineapple Apple Pen?

If you’re not familiar with the raw majesty that is “Pen Pineapple Apple Pen,” do something nice for yourself and watch the video at the top of this page. Officially entitled “PPAP,” the song and video were the brainchild of Japanese entertainer Kosaka Daimaou and released under the name of his fictional character Piko-Taro. Since its debut, it has garnered more than 377 million views on YouTube, only 77 million of which came from me.

“Why?” you ask? Because everything about it is perfect. The pencil-thin mustache; the leopard-print scarf; the snake-print, baggy shirt; the gold chain; the pristine white shoes; the fact that it was filmed in a colorless void that looks like the current set of “Last Week Tonight with John Oliver.” And the dancing. Oh, the dancing.

Pens, pineapples, and profits

If you can watch this man’s display of raw charisma, feel his unrestrained enthusiasm, and look at his goofy smile, then say you wouldn’t gladly buy a vehicle he endorsed, the last few years have clearly killed whatever joy once lived in your heart.

Plus, the lyrics are basically already parodies of themselves, so they can easily be re-parodied to suit whatever kind of car you’re looking to sell. Just set them to the tune of this ear-worm, get comfortable with slant rhymes, and watch the profits mount.

Want to ship more Sierras? “It has a bed, four-wheel-drive traction. Uh! Ready for action!”

How about the 2021 Buick Envision? “A quiet cabin, its looks are smashin’. Uh! This ride is happnin’!”

The possibilities are nearly endless.

Automotive industry, you’re welcome. And Piko-Taro, if you’re reading this, thank you.

You need a loan, don’t want a lecture: Uh! Talk to an expert!