Are you ready for all these people to show up in your car? Yeah, doesn’t seem so safe now… Photo: HyundaiUSA
Ever wish you could squeeze a dozen people into your mid-size sedan? Ever imagine doing so with a bunch of strangers? Well, according to Hyundai, its patented Blue Link® can make it happen.
Hyundai’s newest commercial for “Advanced Hyundai Blue Link Technology” likens all the features the interface offers to “a car full of people who are always looking out for your well being.” Sounds like an ochlophobic’s dream, doesn’t it?
For your safety and well-being, we scrutinize three suspicious people who are exposed in the newest Hyundai Blue Link advertisement.
Hyundai Blue Link Stuffed Full of Virtual Busybodies
Despite the obvious digital innovations of Hyundai Blue Link and its convenience for drivers, its newest marketing campaign claims that multiple personalities are contained in and unleashed with the push of a convenient Blue Link button. Before you open Pandora’s Box in your car, we wanted to bring attention to the three most obvious perpetrators.
Hyundai Blue Link Suspect #1: The faceless butler whose clothes fall off as he runs
This man is a pro at melting his clothes. Photo: HyundaiUSA
Alias: “Remote Access”
The first individual is a 30-something Caucasian male who was last seen sprinting away from your car. He has a propensity for impulsively sprinting when you reach for your phone and removing his clothes at the same time. And replacing his beard with a mustache. As creepy as that may sound, it’s quite an accomplishment. Even Superman needed a phone booth to strip off his suit and remove his glasses.
Remote Access claims to unlock your door from your phone, as well as start the car and heat it. The ability to remotely unlock and start a car is a bit over-hyped, but as long as Mr. Remote Access keeps his clothes on and doesn’t lose facial hair so rapidly, he could be beneficial.
Hyundai Blue Link Suspect #2: The hairy white man who texts like a teenage girl
Not only has this man developed no tan from standing out in the desert for who-know-how-long, he’s wearing a suit. Photo: HyundaiUSA
Alias: “Automatic Collision Notification”
Can you trust a man who spends his days posed like a cactus and then alerts the world via satellite whenever you bump into anything? “OMG! I need a tow truck!! :D”
Not only has this man developed no tan from standing out in the desert for who-know-how-long, he’s wearing a heavy suit too. You might have also noticed that his jaded African American partner has no hair at all. Clearly this guy is a kleptomaniac with hair follicles.
Mr. Collision Notification, considering himself a special agent, likes to publicize everything your car bumps into. His habits will probably help you in an accident, but not if you’re trying to avoid getting caught.
Hyundai Blue Link Suspect #3: The unassuming socialite who smothers large dogs in her handbag
That’s dog head’s bigger than her purse. How is that humane?? Photo: HyundaiUSA
Alias: “Destination Search” powered by Google
Unless this lady’s handbag acts like a Pokeball, we’d consider stuffing a full grown bloodhound into a clutch purse animal cruelty. She apparently knows more about discovering places around town than Lewis and Clark, rendering them overrated. Which could be true… if finding a nearby Chinese restaurant is comparable to discovering the entire western United States.
Though, to be fair… when have Lewis and Clark ever found us General Tso’s chicken?
Just a quick push on this button will unleash everyone into your Hyundai. Photo: HyundaiUSA
Hyundai Blue Link will probably make your driving experience a lot easier, as it claims. The mobile-to-vehicle integration has a lot of future potential for the technology and automobiles in general.
But, if anyone shows up in your back seat and tells you, “I have a great dane in my fanny pack who knows a great Vietnamese restaurant near here,” run like hell.