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Incredible CarMax Commercial Teases World of Endless Limp Bizkit, Infinite Nookie

Having what you might categorize as “just one of those days”? You know the kind: Where you don’t wanna wake up. Everybody sucks. You don’t really know why, but after some deep introspection, you want to justify rippin’ someone’s head off. That sound about right?

Well before you yield to your burgeoning desire to break stuff or skin someone’s ass raw with a chainsaw (very difficult given the implement and the task at hand), you may want to back up, back up and watch this here CarMax commercial, certain to spark a kind of perverse joy of which Marie Kondo might only dream while wearing her favorite-ass red Yankees cap.

Watch: What if Your Car Played ‘Nookie’ on Loop for Eternity?

Somehow, it feels like we all missed this late-October gem, which posits that there is a magical car somewhere in the world that never stops playing Limp Bizkit’s modern classic, “Nookie.” It’s totally relatable, too, because, fam, I never want to stop playing “Nookie” either. And I haven’t stopped since 1999. Please help me. I am so far from the light.

It’s outright inexplicable that this commercial only has around 15 million views, because this is the sort of thing that leads to cultural upheaval and lasting change. Just imagine a world where this CarMax commercial — starring none other than “The” William Frederick Durst, a man who nobody thinks is nothin’ but a pumpkin shoved inside a can, in a brilliant third-act cameo — entered the cultural consciousness and reworked the wiring for all our benefits:

• With a slavering new fanbase numbering in the millions, Limp Bizkit embarks on a massive world tour that pulls in record gates and sets new benchmarks for the consumption of hot dog-flavored water. Their new album, The Return of the Chocolate Starfish (Hey, Did You Busters Get the Joke the First Time? It’s a Butt Joke, By the Way), goes triple platinum in its first week on the charts
• Durst’s film The Fanatic, not critically perceived as a hideous mess that centers around the crude portrayal of a person with a disability, makes $2 billion at the global box office and nets a half-dozen Oscar nominations. In his Best Actor acceptance speech, John Travolta denounces Scientology and confirms that he “did it all for the nookie”
• In an unprecedented moment in U.S. history, the Constitution is amended to allow the recall of a president so that Wes Borland can become the commander in chief. Within three months, he balances the budget, solves homelessness and hunger in America, allocates the funds necessary to cure all major diseases, reverses the course of climate change, dismantles both the military-industrial complex and the prison-industrial complex, passes legislation that ushers in universal healthcare and free college tuition, and records a double album of nothing but 20-minute-long guitar solos. He scores a 99.69 percent approval rating with the near-universal belief that he is substantially more stable than the previous president despite his proclivity for face paint and frequent refusal to wear shirts. Capitalism is overthrown in favor of a new form of a new system, Limpizm, which centers around the equal and fair distribution of Bizkit Bux
• Limp Bizkit finally plays its secret 4/20 show at the Sonoco on Wayne Avenue in Dayton, OH

Unfortunately, this CarMax commercial kind of came and went without much fanfare, leaving us to our significantly less satisfying existence today. But at least we have the video to enjoy.

Kyle Johnson

Kyle S. Johnson lives in Cincinnati, a city known by many as “the Cincinnati of Southwest Ohio.” He enjoys professional wrestling, Halloween, and also other things. He has been writing for a while, and he plans to continue to write well into the future. See more articles by Kyle.