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Florida’s Worst Thief Attempts to Sell Stolen Car Back to Owner

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The obliviousness is strong with this one.

On June 11th, Tom Funicello reported his car stolen, while probably thinking it was gone forever. That is, until he received a phone call from Marquis Whipple, who offered to sell the stolen car back to him for $200.

Marquis Whipple

Behold, the greatest Florida Man alive

Funicello was, predictably, surprised, “I was like ‘what?’ I couldn’t believe it,” he said. So Funicello agreed to buy the car, then immediately called the police. Together, they set up a meeting time.

Possibly sensing that this might not be the best plan, Whipple tried to ensure Funicello wasn’t setting him up: “He’s telling me I better not be setting him up,” Funicello said. “He says to me ‘I called you, I’m being the Good Samaritan here.’”

As neighborly as selling back the car you stole to its former owner is, Funicello decided that Whipple simply wasn’t Vin Diesel in The Fast and the Furious and worked with police, who picked Whipple up en route to the exchange.

It turned out that there was a good reason that Whipple was offering it for the low, low price of $200—according to Funicello, when returned, the back window was smashed, the ignition was jammed, and the engine was “damaged.”

Men and Women Crash Their Cars Differently

Or, in Craigslist language, “Slight body damage” and “Drives fine”

The kicker to all this is that this isn’t the first time Whipple has been arrested for being stupid while stealing: He was also once arrested after robbing a store because the clerk recognized him, because he was a regular customer.

When police picked him and his brother up (his brother was not in on the robbery, and was released), with a detective looking on, Marquis told his brother how many robbers there were and where the loot was, adding that police didn’t have enough to get a warrant.

He was very wrong.

Oh, and according to the store clerk, his nickname was “Fatboy.”