Introducing Halloween Hearse Rentals
It’s hard to deny the ghoulish appeal of Halloween, with all of its skulls, spider webs, tricks, and treats. But, if you want to take your spooky spirit on the road, I have just three words for you: Halloween hearse rentals.
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It’s easier than you think
Much like the last time I wrote about hearses, researching this topic quickly informed me that I had no idea just how big the community was. Initially, I thought I’d stumbled onto a heretofore untapped market where independent owners or retailers could offer hearse rentals around Halloween for a reasonable fee, and people could decorate them as they pleased. Unfortunately, my billion-dollar empire collapsed around me when I found out that it’s actually quite simple to rent a hearse.
A cursory Google search showed results in multiple states and from multiple retailers. There was even one from a business called Kim’s Krypt Haunted Mill, which telegraphs its purpose pretty clearly via a background featuring numerous evil clowns and an ominous call to action that reads, “Don’t let your FIRST Hearse ride be your LAST!”
Become the undertaker
Now that we know Halloween hearse rentals are a reality, it’s worth looking at the many ways you can use them to spook up your neighborhood or just freak out your neighbors. You could go the easy route and fill it with creepy decorations before tooling around your local streets. There’s also the option of using it for your community’s Trunk-or-Treat event, which comes with the added benefit of thoroughly one-upping everyone else in attendance.
Or you could take things to the next level. I won’t lie, this plan requires commitment and a great deal of disposable income, but if you can make it work, the pay-off will be more than worth it.
The first step is to make sure there are absolutely no Halloween decorations in your yard and none visible through your windows. To the world, it must seem like you don’t know the holiday even exists. Then, you’ll need to find a coffin, put it in the back of the hearse, and park in the driveway at least three weeks in advance. The next step will probably be the hardest: You’re going to need a pipe organ.
After that, you cannot, under any circumstances, be seen outside of your home during daylight hours. Then, every night until Halloween, you’ll need a witness to see you getting out of the coffin in your hearse and entering your home, where you will proceed to play gothic music until just before the sun rises. Then, return to your coffin until everyone else is at work.
Now, is this plan practical? Absolutely not. Is it prohibitively expensive? One hundres percent. Is it far too late to be even remotely feasible for this year? Hard yes.
But would it be worth it? I think so.
Rates so low they’re scary: Check out special financing
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