Added on September 4, 2013  The News Wheel
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Less Obvious Reasons to Wear Your Seat Belt

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Despite the fact that seat belt usage has been steadily increasing among Americans through untold years of campaigning and reminding, the percentage of people who wear their seat belt is astoundingly not 100 percent.  It’s likely that if you were to ask around, almost nobody would openly admit to driving/riding without their seat belt.  Just like how nobody would admit to ever owning Human Clay by Creed.  Yet, that album sold eleven million copies and, while we don’t want to equate the music of Creed to unfortunate road accidents, statistics continue to show a heavily disproportionate amount of those killed in traffic accidents are unbelted drivers and passengers.

Seat belt

So why should you wear your seat belt, Person-Who-Still-Refuses-to-Wear-a-Seat-Belt?  Aside from the myriad number of well-established reasons, including not paying fines or getting tickets, not being severely injured in a crash, and not being…ya know…killed on the road?  Seriously, that’s not enough?  Okay, fine.  Here are a few more reasons for you to always wear your seatbelt.

  • If you don’t wear your seatbelt, you will make Bane very angry.  When Bane is very angry, he starts making bold proclamations in a pseudo-Snidely Whiplash voice.  Also, he crushes your larynx.  “Ahh, you think seat belts are your ally?”  Yes.  Because they are.
  • If you don’t wear your seatbelt, you’re never going to dance again because your guilty feet will have no rhythm (this may be a direct side effect of not actually having feet as a result of crashing your car and not wearing a seat belt).
  • Seat belts are cool, fashionable, and trendy.  If you pride yourself as outré, then seat belts are unique and beautiful.  If you are a hipster, you are the first person to ever hear about a seat belt.
  • If you don’t wear your seat belt, you will run afoul of this man.  He will follow you endlessly from a comfortable distance, narrating your life and crushing your head between his fingers through a trick of perspective.  All things considered, this is not worse than actually having your head crushed against a windshield in an accident.
  • Wearing a seatbelt will totally protect you from zombies.  In the event that it doesn’t entirely protect you from zombies, it will at least protect your child and enable you to create the world’s grisliest Rube Goldberg contraption.  For more evidence, see Zombieland.
  • Finally, not wearing your seatbelt makes you  appear as though you are a foolish person who not only believes that the rules do not apply to them, but also that they are inherently able to nimbly avoid any and all possible dangers in life without repercussion.
  • It is likely that if you don’t wear your seat belt, people will perceive you as unintelligent and incapable of learning from history.  They will think this because, given all of the evidence that supports the usefulness of seat belts in saving lives, only an idiot wouldn’t wear their seat belt in a moving car.

And you most certainly aren’t that, are you?  We thought not.