My Car Knows I’m an Idiot, and I Appreciate it
Now more than ever, vehicles are filled to bursting with an insane amount of technology. Some is geared towards efficiency and some towards entertainment, but the vast majority is all about attempting to reduce the impact of human error. As shallow as it may sound, my favorite features aren’t the ones that help me stay centered in my lane or at a safe following distance, they’re the ones that know just how big an idiot I am.
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Of all of the ways my car takes care of me, the one that I appreciate the most is actually one of the most mundane. You see, I have an incredibly long track record of locking my keys in my car. Accidentally making this mistake doesn’t automatically make anyone an idiot, but in my case, the sheer frequency of the event makes a compelling argument. Here are a few examples:
A few of the ways in which I’ve proven to be an idiot
- I once locked my keys in my car in a sandwich shop parking lot during school hours.
- One time, I locked my keys in my car in a gas station, forcing my brother to bring the spare set while passersby looked at me with a mixture of condemnation and disappointment in an entire generation.
- I very nearly stranded myself in a gas station parking lot three hours from home. You can guess how.
- In high school, I once left my Chevy Trailblazer running in the parking lot, unlocked, with the keys in the ignition. The Dean of Students was not amused.
Thank goodness for idiot-proofing
The vehicle I have now has a ton of technology that my trusty 2002 Trailblazer didn’t, including keyless entry and a system that beeps like a maniac if I leave my keys in the car with it still running and will automatically unlock the doors if it detects them inside once I’ve left. This has saved me more times than I’d like to admit.
There are two takeaways here. First, I am an idiot. Second, I’ll trade advanced driver-assistance features and mobile Wi-Fi® hotspots for a system that protects me from my own idiocy any day of the week.
I miss my Trailblazer: Thank goodness it’s coming back
<– This is what Aaron actually looks like.
Aaron was born in a suburb of Toledo, Ohio and has managed to traverse most of the state between college and various shenanigans. Having majored in video game development and minored in film studies, he is a considerable fan of both forms of media. Additionally, he is available to explain why Mad Max: Fury Road is one of the best feminist films of all time at the drop of a hat. His aspirations include — but are not limited to — not accidentally adopting any more cats and developing a responsible sleep schedule. See more articles by Aaron.