Terrible Car Snacks Nobody Talks About, Pt. II
Back in March — which feels like it was roughly 13 years ago by 2020 standards — I wrote a fairly savage takedown of sunflower seeds as an effective car snack. At the time, I described eating them anywhere other than an outdoor environment as “a logistical nightmare and a first-class faux pas.” However, the beloved salty seeds are far from the only foodstuff that shouldn’t be consumed on the road. Here are two more noteworthy offenders.
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Under ideal circumstances, concord grapes are lovely little fruits. They’ve got a wonderfully deep flavor that sets them apart from other grapes and makes them a perfect option for creating everything from wine to jelly. However, their most notable feature — a small cluster of seeds in the center — make them every bit as unwieldy to eat on the road as sunflower seeds.
The issue boils down to one serious question: What the heck are you meant to do with the seeds once you’ve finished the edible portion of the grape? Much like sunflower seeds, your only available options seem to be spitting them out the window like a gross cattle rustler with a sweet tooth or slopping them into a disposable cup while your passengers look on in disgust.
As members of a civilized society, I firmly believe we should avoid both courses of action at all costs. Instead, just grab a bag of regular grapes before you set out for your next road trip.
Swinging through a fast food restaurant on your way out of town is one of life’s most delectable guilty pleasures, but as a driver, there is one class food you should avoid at all costs — anything that includes a dipping sauce.
The danger posed by dippable car snacks is twofold. The first issue is that the very process of eating them necessitates that you take your eyes off the road as you guide your fried chicken treat to a reservoir of flavored goop. The second is that, should you miss your target or need to slam on the brakes, you’re in prime position to flavor blast the interior of your shiny new Buick Encore with complimentary buffalo sauce. Neither of these outcomes is desirable in the slightest.
So, if you — like many of us — enjoy noshing down behind the wheel, make sure you plan ahead. That way, you can still revel in the car snack experience without the fear of ending up with a sticky mess or endangering others just because you couldn’t say to no a 10-piece order of chicken dunk-ems.
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Aaron was born in a suburb of Toledo, Ohio and has managed to traverse most of the state between college and various shenanigans. Having majored in video game development and minored in film studies, he is a considerable fan of both forms of media. Additionally, he is available to explain why Mad Max: Fury Road is one of the best feminist films of all time at the drop of a hat. His aspirations include — but are not limited to — not accidentally adopting any more cats and developing a responsible sleep schedule. See more articles by Aaron.