Kyle Johnson
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Watch Jay Leno Mouth-Breathe and Squint at the Wheel of the 2019 Mustang Bullitt and Original Bullitt Mustang Hero Car

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Jay Leno, a guy who carries himself like the self-proclaimed king of the local car show circuit and wouldn't be considered cool if he was an actual ice sculpture, says that driving the 2019 Ford Mustang Bullitt makes him feel like Steve McQueen

Mustang Bullitt Ford Mound

You just knew—just had to know—that the very second that the 1968 Ford Mustang GT hero car driven by Steve McQueen in the film Bullitt emerged from the barn in which it had laid dormant for so many years, the radar sensor in Jay Leno’s obscenely large chin would start pinging in its direction.

And here we are: Jay Leno—the hackiest comedian to not smash watermelons or talk through absurdly racist puppets—sitting in a driver’s seat once occupied by the living, breathing epitome of coolness and looking very much like someone’s embarrassing dad who thinks he’s just the king of the caul-de-sac.

If it isn’t becoming evident enough with every passing day, the world is neither just nor fair.

Video: Jay Leno Breathes Through His Mouth While Driving 2019 Mustang Bullitt, Original 1968 Bullitt Mustang Hero Car

Let’s not front here: the video above is a really great way for you to spend six minutes because you get to see—and hear!—both the 2019 Ford Mustang Bullitt and the 1968 Ford Mustang GT attack the track just as they were built to. And it is absolutely beautiful. Only problem is, you have to separate the sound of the V8s hammering from the grating, nasal drone of Leno’s obnoxious voice. It’s taxing as all hell, but the end is worth the effort all the same.

Whereas, for example, the video in which Leno gleefully tools around in an ultra-rare 2017 Ford GT is at least substantive in that he has a good amount of knowledge and insight to offer (albeit in that obnoxious voice all the same), this video is basically only good for the cars and absolutely nothing else. Leno has zero to say about the 2019 Mustang Bullitt, if only because he knows nothing about it—he was among the first to drive it, because of course he was, because, again, nothing can be fair or just anymore.

He can say from driving it around a bit, though, that it’s balanced, has disc brakes and a manual transmission, and corners well. Wow. Thanks, Jay. A real asset.

Photos: 2019 Mustang Bullitt

Bullitt Badge

Oh, and then there’s the matter of Leno saying that being at the wheel of the 2019 Mustang Bullitt makes him feel like he’s Steve McQueen. Look, Jay. You, a man whose cinematic claim to fame is Collision Course, are not even in the same solar system as “The King of Cool.”

To say that Leno’s suggestion of being even near the level of Steve McQueen would cause the man to spin in his grave is unfair—and, given that his ashes were scattered over the Pacific, inaccurate. It would be fairer to say, though, that Jay Leno comparing himself to Steve McQueen might cause McQueen to reconstitute himself as a sort of ultra-cool sea water golem, come ashore in California, hotwire a Ford Mustang, drive up to Leno’s house, ring the door bell, and punch him right in his gargantuan chin with his liquid fist while vaping with his free hand. Scratch that, actually: Steve McQueen wouldn’t vape. He’d probably totally be noshing on some Tide Pods, though.

Fortunately, when Leno gets behind the wheel of the 1968 Ford Mustang Bullitt hero car, he mostly keeps his mouth shut and lets owner Sean Kiernan talk about how his dad acquired the car and aspired to maintain it in its original condition—and how the producers of the first Charlie’s Angels film tried to get the car for Drew Barrymore’s character to drive.

Actually, no. To say that Leno kept his mouth shut would be a falsehood, because this:

Jay Leno's Stupid Face Yet Again

No, he’s not asleep, and it’s not one of those badly-timed screengrabs. He’s totally just driving around with that face on. For all the money the guy’s acquired over a long career of being desperately unfunny, you’d think the guy could get a pair of sunglasses.

But it’s perfect, really. There may be no more accurate representation of Jay Leno than this: squinty mouthbreather who thinks he’s Steve McQueen when he’s quite a lot closer to Steve Urkel.