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There Are, Like, Zero Cars in ‘Assassin’s Creed Valhalla’

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A PlayStation Dualshock 4 controller, which you can use to play Watch Dogs: Legion
Photo: pxfuel via DMCA

Assassin’s Creed Valhalla — the 12th mainline title in the series and the 22nd overall — released on Nov. 10 to mostly positive reviews and a genuinely bonkers number of day-one players. The game casts you in the role of Eivor, a Viking warrior seeking glorious conquest in 873 CE England. Over the 15-ish hours I’ve played so far, I can say there’s a lot to enjoy; the combat is accessible and satisfying, the environment is lovely, and the story seems promising. The biggest problem I have at the moment is that there are no dang cars in the thing.

So, I’ve compiled a list of some of the coolest cars that aren’t in Assassin’s Creed Valhalla.

Not in the game, but very much a reality: The 2021 Corvette

The 1938 Buick Century

A 1938 Buick Century, one of the many cars that isn't in Assassin's Creed Valhalla
Photo: sv1ambo via CC

At first glance, the 1938 Buick Century may seem like something you’d see in an educational video about how hiding under your desk will protect you from a nuclear bomb launched by those rascally Russians, but that’s before you look at its powertrain. The model’s innovative Dynaflash 5.2-liter eight-cylinder engine could power this suburban tank to a top speed of 103 mph. That would certainly make crossing Valhalla’s enormous map far more expedient.

The 2021 Corvette

2020 Corvette, which is very much absent from Valhalla.
Photo: Chevrolet

Look, I understand that including a sports car that’s separated from Valhalla’s time period by roughly 1,148 years is anachronistic at best. But can you imagine seeing a Viking tearing across a pastoral countryside in a sick ‘Vette, ax in hand, beard billowing in the wind? If you can come up with a more radical image than that, please feel free to leave it in the comments.

The Chevrolet Suburban (any year)

2021 Chevrolet Suburban, also not in AC Valhalla.
Photo: Chevrolet

For those times when you need to bring the entire raiding party along but still need room for their gear, there’s no substitute for the Suburban. With three rows of spacious seating and up to 144.7 cubic feet of cargo space, even the most hardened warrior will be able to stretch out and enjoy the journey. There’s even a rear-seat media system to keep Bjørn and Ulf from asking, “are we there yet?” every five minutes.

Obviously, this whole article is an exercise in absurdity, and I don’t expect Ubisoft to patch cars into its historical epic. I do, however, hope that some enterprising programmer will create a car mod for Assassin’s Creed Valhalla so I can see that Corvette situation at least once before I die.

Strong enough for a Viking, comfy enough for a family: The 2021 Chevy Silverado