It’s a tale as old as time: wrestling villain buys brand-new car, wrestling hero destroys new car to the delight of fans and horror of aforementioned villain.
This face makes nightmares ovulate
Photo: WWE
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While any follower of WWE can attest to seeing their fair share of cars getting wrecked in all their years of fandom, no one has ever seen anything quite like what went down on Monday night.
Of course, wrestling hasn’t quite seen anyone like Brock Lesnar, so this makes sense enough.
Video: Brock Lesnar Destroys Cadillac
Picking up from where we left off last week, WWE World Heavyweight Champion Seth Rollins had rewarded his security team of Joey Mercury and Jamie Noble (aka J&J Security) with a 2015 Cadillac CTS for assisting him in a beatdown of the former UFC World Heavyweight Champion/current absolute monster. Because Seth is a heel, he also told them that he had bought them the fancier and faster V-sport model when he had actually only purchased the 3.6-liter Luxury model. What a jerk.
But that’s neither here nor there, because we all know that this car was here for one reason and one reason only: to get dismantled by Brock Lesnar. And, boy, did it ever get dismantled by Brock Lesnar.
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Before the Wreckage
To really let it burn, Jamie Noble sent out a bunch of happy tweets prior to the show on Monday, showing off the Cadillac’s new accoutrements (including a REDNECK windshield decal and camouflage rocker panel and steering wheel cover that absolutely screams luxury):
Oh boy me and Joey have had so much fun in this car!!!!! # best time ever!!! # J&J got game!!!!
— Jamie Noble (@WWENoble) July 6, 2015
J&J getting ready to enjoy Chi-town!!!! #J&J ChiRaw pic.twitter.com/52S2kJElAv
— Jamie Noble (@WWENoble) July 6, 2015
Look at my baby after I had it worked on!!!! Thank you Seth Rollins!!!! pic.twitter.com/yH5UMmVzUl — Jamie Noble (@WWENoble) July 6, 2015
Oh, the pangs of guilt for the destruction yet to come. At the beginning of the show, Lesnar’s advocate, Paul Heyman, came out to address Seth Rollins and promised violent retribution from the “Night-Mayor of Suplex City.” He said that Rollins had been guilty of breaking the 11th Commandment: “Thou shalt not intentionally provoke the beast Brock Lesnar.” He promised that Lesnar would reclaim his WWE World Heavyweight Championship in a little under two weeks’ time at WWE Battleground, but that the beatings and the suplexes would commence that very evening. And so they did. But first! Just to reeeeally foreshadow the doom that would be visited upon the 2015 Cadillac CTS, we got a glimpse at J&J’s Road Trip. 
They began in Washington, DC… 
…headed to Hershey, PA… 
….down to Virginia… 
…up to West Virginia… 
…before finally arriving in Chicago. 
I wonder what the next destination would be? Perhaps a fictional city named after a wrestling hold? To reeeeeeaaallllyyy hammer in that this Cadillac was getting wrecked later on, we were treated to a brief vignette of J&J pulling up outside of Wrigley Field. Because they’re heels, they talked about how much of a dump it is and how the Cubs don’t win very many games there. The crowd booed accordingly, because how dare these bad guys speak ill of the home team. This segment was still better than half the matches on the show. 
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The Smashing Begins
Finally, the moment of truth arrived and Seth came out to confront Lesnar. J&J Security arrived in the arena and pulled up in front of the ring entrance in their CTS. The end of happiness was very nigh. 
All armed with axe handles, Noble and Mercury flanked Rollins as he recounted beating Lesnar two weeks ago. He promised to burn Suplex City to the ground at Battleground and retain his championship. Lesnar’s music hit, and he made his way down to the ring cautiously. Realizing that he would have a hard time fending off three men with axe handles, he stopped, smirked, and slowly backed up toward the entrance. Toward the Cadillac… 
Heyman wheeled out a large red crate and opened it, and Brock dug around inside, retrieving an axe. And then another axe. The three men in the ring readied themselves as if this enormous man would come barreling down to ringside with actual, honest-to-god murder on his mind, but Brock turned his attention to the poor, sweet Cadillac. And things took a turn for the worse. 
First, Lesnar buried the axe into the driver’s side door panel. He knocked out a couple of windows and took a few whacks at the roof. He attacked the rear quarter panel, the tire, and the trunk. This is all pretty standard procedure for a car destruction segment. 
Not standard procedure: Lesnar opened the rear passenger door and RIPPED IT OFF THE HINGES with the same amount of effort that you might use to open a bag of Fritos. 
He then threw the door across the arena like a discus, hitting one young fan in the process and proving another with a unique souvenir. (Note: don’t worry, the fan was said to be a-okay, which is more than I can say for the car.)
JESUS, took me a couple times to see it, but that kid got CLOCKED. pic.twitter.com/Yk27MIF4mh — Bill Neville (@BillNevilleNAI) July 7, 2015
In an act of complete hubris/stupidity, Noble and Mercury ran at Lesnar to defend the honor of their beloved automobile. Their prize: Lesnar “broke” Noble’s arm with a Kimura lock, and then belly-to-belly suplexed Mercury onto the hood of the car.
I’ll repeat this in all caps for the appropriate amount of emphasis: BROCK LESNAR BELLY-TO-BELLY SUPLEXED ANOTHER GROWN MAN ONTO THE HOOD OF A CAR.
At this point, the Cadillac must have played dead, because Lesnar gave up trying to kill it and chased after Rollins, who fled the scene. The segment ended with Brock standing tall in the ring and hoisting the WWE World Heavyweight Championship belt high above his head.
This is absolute must-see TV. Beautiful, beautiful destruction. The only thing better on this show was the main event pitting John Cena against Cesaro for the United States Championship. Seriously, if you’ve always been curious about what makes wrestling great, Cesaro and Cena have the answer. And for it to have one-upped the absolute destruction of a Cadillac at the hands of a living, breathing monster, it had to have been fantastic.
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Kyle S. Johnson lives in Cincinnati, a city known by many as “the Cincinnati of Southwest Ohio.” He enjoys professional wrestling, Halloween, and also other things. He has been writing for a while, and he plans to continue to write well into the future. See more articles by Kyle.
