Press Release: Not Driving a Buick? Sucks to Be You, Huh?
Widespread panic not being capitalized upon? Not on Buick’s watch
Photo: © General Motors
Though severe winter weather can seldom ever be considered a situation that calls for feelings of joy, it usually shakes out that blizzard season is a happy one for the folks who handle press releases for the major automakers. Take Buick, for example. They’re super stoked because their 2015 lineup is IMPERVIOUS TO SNOW.* (*This claim not actually made by Buick or anyone affiliated with Buick.)
With much of the Northeast enduring and surviving a blizzard named after an Ellen Page movie, Buick thought, “Hey, now seems like a perfect time to remind all of those suckers out there driving beat up Suzuki Jimnys why they should have just ponied up and grabbed a Regal or Enclave while the weather wasn’t so bad.” So they wrote up an absolutely marvelous press release.
Buick rubs it in but good by pointing out that most of its lineup is available in all-wheel drive:
Vehicle control is everything in winter driving. The beauty of all-wheel drive – available on the Buick Regal, LaCrosse, Encore and Enclave – is it automatically senses when there is a loss of traction and sends power to the wheels that need it. The driver does nothing.
Translation: Oh, are you desperately trying to keep your precious little rustbox from fishtailing? Well, you wouldn’t have that problem if you had just not been a jerk and bought a LaCrosse. It takes care of you. Does your terrible car take care of you? Thought not.
Buick then proceeds to flaunt StabiliTrak, IntelliLink and available OnStar 4G LTE, and—as one final poke in the eyes—the heated steering wheel.
Available across the Buick lineup, it doesn’t prevent drivers from plowing into a snowbank, but it’s warm and feels good. Like heated seats, once you’ve experienced a heated steering wheel in cold weather, you won’t know how you lived without it.
GOT COLD HANDS? NOT A PROBLEM, YO. I HAVE A BUICK!
Chumps don’t get heated steering wheels
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