Kyle Johnson
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Seth Rollins Thanks J&J Security with 2015 Cadillac CTS on Raw

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The WWE World Heavyweight Champion had presents for his Authority cohorts on last night's Raw, but was he being completely honest about J&J Security's luxurious new ride?

WWE Seth Rollins Cadillac

WWE World Heavyweight Champion rewards his personal security team with a new Cadillac CTS
Photo: WWE/YouTube

Update: as predicted, Lesnar wrecked the Caddy something fierce

On last night’s episode of Monday Night Raw, current WWE World Heavyweight Champion and music festival outcast Seth Rollins took a moment to acknowledge the efforts of his cohorts in The Authority (for the uninitiated, they’re the top group of bad guys in the company) by awarding them with fabulous prizes up to and including a brand-new 2015 Cadillac CTS. And when I say Rollins took a moment, I mean he took the first 18 minutes of the show. Yes, Raw, a wrestling show, routinely starts not with wrestling, but with discourse. Pro wrestling Sports Entertainment!

The best part about this: I have yet another excuse to write about wrestling for The News Wheel.

A quick recap: Rollins won his WWE Championship at WrestleMania 31 this past March by interjecting himself into the title match between challenger Roman Reigns and champion Brock Lesnar. Since then, he’s played what wrestling parlance affectionately deems a chickens*** heel champion, relying almost solely on interference from monster-turned-corporate-crony, WWE Director of Operations Kane, and his own personal Secret Service, J&J Security (former wrestlers Jamie Noble and Joey Mercury), to win his matches.

In recent months, a rift has opened up between Rollins and his secondaries, leading to Rollins winning a ladder match against Dean Ambrose at June’s Money in the Bank show all by himself. Rollins felt that he could stand on his own two feet and defend his championship honorably, and he had proven as much with a hard-fought victory.

And then his boss, WWE Executive Vice President of Talent, Live Events, and Creative Triple H, announced that his opponent for July’s Battleground PPV would be this man:

Brock Lesnar

Yes, Brock Lesnar. The man from whom Rollins had initially stolen the title. The man who was legitimately the UFC Heavyweight Champion. The man who inspires fear in the hearts of even the most ferocious beasts.

Naturally, this resulted in Rollins pleading his way back into the good graces of his former allies. This worked to a great degree, and at the conclusion of last Monday’s Raw in Indianapolis, Kane and J&J Security assisted Rollins in beating Lesnar down. In the process, Lesnar drilled Noble into a barricade, legitimately breaking three of his ribs. Did I mention that Lesnar is a monster?

Got it? Good. This leads us back to last night’s show and the opening segment (finally). Rollins begins the segment by revealing that he has purchased Noble, Mercury, and Kane their very own Apple Watches. Their mugging is spectacular.

Kane Jamie Noble Joey Mercury Apple Watches

Rollins then goes over Kane’s history with the company, starting with his debut in October 1997 and conveniently failing to mention the time he spent playing the role of an evil dentist. He calls Kane the glue that has held the WWE together for 17 years, and he says that since Kane has never taken a vacation in all that time, he’s getting an all-expenses-paid trip to Hawaii. Kane is greeted by some Hawaiian caricatures, and he says that this is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for him.

Kane and Hawaiian Dancers Raw

*insert Katie Vick joke here*

Finally, Rollins says that one of the saddest things he has ever seen in his entire life was seeing Joey and Jamie pull up to the arena in a crappy rental car. To amend this problem, he says that his boys deserve to travel in style, and so he has purchased them a brand-new 2015 Cadillac CTS Sedan:

2015 Cadillac CTS Noelle Foley Raw Rollins J&J Security

Noble’s O-face here is worth a thousand words.

Noble's Face Cadillac

To really fill out the game show feel of the segment, some knock-off Price is Right music begins playing and the Cadillac is gestured at lovingly by a showcase model (portrayed by Noelle Foley, daughter of WWE Hall of Famer Mick Foley).

Seth, for his part, plays the role of Rod Roddy to a tee, gleefully rattling off the CTS’ specs. He mentions that it is powered by the 420-horsepower 3.6-liter Twin Turbo engine, and that it is able to go from 0 to 60 mph in 4.5 seconds. Joey Mercury seems totally pumped about this part. Like really pumped.

Mercury Reacts to receiving new Cadillac from Seth Rollins

Also for Joey: all-leather interior. But then Seth mentions the sticker price: $55,860. That’s the total price after adding a $995 Red Obsession tintcoat and $900 18-inch polished aluminum wheels with all-season runflat tires to an MSRP of $52,970. Something is amiss here.

The 2015 Cadillac CTS V-Sport—ostensibly the car that Seth is describing—has a starting MSRP of $60,335. The model with a starting price closer to that on the tag in the window of this Cadillac is the 3.6-liter Luxury. That would mean that this car’s V6 would not have a turbocharger, which means that it would get 321 horsepower and would do 0-to-60 in a considerably tamer 5.9 seconds. But surely this was just a mistake on Seth’s part, right? Right?

Sticker Far The truth

Egads! This is a sham! A ruse! A lie perpetrated on the general public! A swerve, if you weel. Why, the next thing I know, you’ll be telling me that the outcomes of the matches are predetermined. Poor Joey. He’s going to be so upset when he finds out. Look how much pride he takes in this car.

What a heel Seth is.

Also a shame: the fact that the mere introduction of a $55,000 luxury car on a WWE show means that it’s going to get absolutely wrecked by Brock Lesnar sometime between now and Battleground. It’s basically the pro wrestling equivalent of Chekhov’s gun. The only real question here: how will Brock Lesnar destroy J&J Security’s new Cadillac? Will he fill it with concrete or yank off the axel? Will he smash it up with a bat or spraypaint it? Or, being that this is Brock Lesnar we’re talking about, will he just suplex it 20 times? Stay tuned!