Patrick Grieve
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Did You Know Donald Trump Has a 10-Year-Old Son Named “Barron,” and that Barron Has a Mercedes?

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Donald Trump's ten-year-old son Barron Trump and his toy Mercedes

Though not nearly as shameless, fame-hungry, or orange as their father, Donald Trump’s three adult children also share his knack for making headlines every now and again, occasionally challenging the old adage that “there’s no such thing as bad publicity.” So if you pay attention to the news, Twitter, or reruns of The Apprentice, you may know that Donald Jr. likes to wax poetic about the simple joys of lactation, or that he and his brother Eric enjoy slicing the tails off of elephants they kill in Zimbabwe, or that their sister Ivanka has a shapely figure that drives their creepy dad wild.

But did you know that Donald is also the proud papa of a 10-year-old boy, who looks exactly like you’d expect him to look?

Donald Trump and Barron Trump

“For what shall it profit a man, if he inherits Donald Trump’s wealth, but also his stupid, smug face?”– Two Corinthians 3:16
Photo credit: Twitter

And did you know that Donald bestowed upon his youngest heir the absurd name “Barron”—almost as if he was trying to write his own occupation on his son’s long-form birth certificate, but accidentally misspelled the second word in “robber baron”?

And did you also know that little Barron commutes around Trump Tower in his own miniature, red Mercedes-Benz?!

I know, I know—this is a lot to process. Or at least, it was for me, when I learned all of it earlier today.

Like many Americans, I’ve spent the last eleven months closely following Trump’s candidacy with what began as amusement when he first announced his run last June, slowly transmuted into ever-increasing concern as he won primary after primary, turned to abject horror when he became the presumptive Republican nominee, and has since settled into an overwhelming and unshakeable sense of depression. My morbid fascination with the deeply disturbing Trump phenomenon has led me to compulsively read countless Trump-related articles and think pieces, seek out lengthy and occasionally decades-old profiles, and even subscribe to Slate’s quasi-daily Trump podcast.

And yet, it was not until today that I discovered the fact that the 69-year-old presidential candidate counts among his many golfing buddies his own 10-year-old son.

Am I the only one who missed this? I know I’ve seen Barron before, when Trump mingled with his family onstage after GOP debates, but I guess I always assumed that the little kid up there was one of Trump’s grandchildren. Because, you know, most normal men wouldn’t choose to father a child who will be graduating high school when they’re 77 years old—but, then again, Trump isn’t a “normal” anything.

That undeniable truth was reiterated to me today by Mark Singer’s 1997 New Yorker profile piece “Trump Solo,” which I highly recommend reading, if only for the passage detailing how much Trump loves fast-forwarding to the good parts in the Jean Claude Van Damme action movie Bloodsport.

In one scene set at Trump’s opulent Mar-a-Lago resort, his second wife Marla Maples (whom he was separating from at the time and would officially divorce two years later) is depicted as sitting at a table adjacent to Trump, discussing “global politics and the sleeping habits of three-year-old Tiffany with the corporate chiefs and chief spouses of A.T. & T., Sprint, and Office Depot.”

That line got me wondering—what has become of Tiffany Trump, the love child of Marla and Donald, who was named after Manhattan’s iconic “Tiffany & Co.” jewelry shop?

Turns out, she’s doing fine. The 22-year-old was raised by her mom Marla in Los Angeles, graduated from the University of Pennsylvania in 2016, and released her own pop single, “Like a Bird,” back in 2011. The Tiffany Trump single "Like a Bird" Sadly, there’s no “Like a Bird” music video, but you can buy the song on Amazon for $0.99, or listen to it for free if you have Prime. (As someone with a Prime membership, I’d recommend that you save your dollar.)

But while trying to find out more about Tiffany Trump, I accidentally discovered that she has a 10-year-old half-brother named Barron William Trump, who was born on March 20, 2006. And I was like, “Wait… what?”

Just to confirm that I wasn’t the only person taken aback by this revelation, I sent a message to fellow News Wheel editor Kyle Johnson, asking him, “Did you know Trump has a ten-year-old son named ‘Barron’? Like, right now. Trump is currently raising a ten-year-old boy.”

“That’s insane,” he answered, validating my own sense of surprise.

I then sent Kyle a picture of Barron, whom he astutely characterized as resembling a more sinister version of Damien from The Omen.

Hoping to learn more about this antichrist doppelganger, I did a little bit of googling. As you might imagine, I learned that Barron is not a normal 10-year-old boy.

For starters, he likes wearing suits and ties, which led his mother Melania to nickname him “Mini-Trump” (which is exactly the kind of unintentional Austin Powers allusion that Trump’s Dr. Evil-esque quest for power deserves). Also, before tucking him into bed every night, Melania rubs Barron down “from head to toe” with her own brand of caviar-enhanced skin lotion. Also, sometimes Barron’s dad isn’t around to play a game of catch with him because he’s too busy denigrating an entire race of people or religious group on national television.

And since all of his siblings are in their twenties and thirties, Barron doesn’t just have his own bedroom, he has his own floor! According to Town and Country magazine, since his birth, Barron has had an entire floor of the family’s $100 million penthouse apartment all to himself.

How does Barron get around his expansive Trump Tower dwelling? He has a “mini Mercedes-Benz with a customized license plate.” You can see the vehicle parked in the penthouse in this old Daily Mail article.

That’s right, folks, Trump claims he wants to “Make America Great Again,” but he’s teaching his son to buy foreign luxury cars instead of supporting American automakers. Sad!