Kyle Johnson

Mitsubishi Recalls All 2013-2014 Vehicles For Lack of Public Interest

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Wait, Mitsubishi still makes cars? Hm. Well, good for them, I suppose.

2014 Mitsubishi Lancer | Consumer Reports Worst New Cars of 2014 List

The 2014 Mitsubishi Lancer is one of the vehicles that you have probably never heard of that is being recalled today by the manufacturer (who you may also have never heard of)

This morning, Mitsubishi issued a total recall of its 2013-2014 Lancer, Lancer Sportback, Lancer EVO, Outlander, Outlander Sport, and Mirage for an issue regarding the automaker’s public visibility. The problem stems from Mitsubishi’s failure to capture the attention of the American public.

“It’s not that there’s anything wrong with our vehicles,” said Mitsubishi Motors North America (MMNA) President and CEO Ryujiro Kobashi. “It’s just that they don’t really draw people in the way other brands do. You would have to search far and wide before you’d stumble across a community of Mitsubishi enthusiasts, and even then, you’d cross enough people along the way who aren’t even aware that you still sell cars in the United States that you just kind of end up disenchanted with the whole thing anyway.”

Mitsubishi Recalls

Huh. Well I guess Mitsubishi actually does make cars and SUVs. There’s one of them right there.

Kobashi stated that after he and some high-ranking officials within MMNA stayed in the office late on Sunday night to “smash some pizza and pound some craft brews,” someone called attention to how much attention General Motors had received in the wake of the ignition switch recall.

“We weren’t entirely certain that the press associated with a massive recall was really what we needed, but we ultimately determined that bad press was a lot better than absolutely no press whatsoever,” Kobashi said.

Kobashi says he and other MMNA officials considered all viable possibilities for potential recall cover stories.

“We wanted something superficial, you know. Like faulty lightbulbs or bad stitching on the seats. Not something that would panic the people who actually own our vehicles. After all, we don’t really want people to go thinking our vehicles aren’t safe or anything like that. We’re not dicks, you know?”

Mitsubishi Recalls

Wait…they expect people to buy this thing? Oh dear.

Kobashi says that after the group was distracted for an indeterminable amount of time by The Walking Dead season finale and talking about their predictions for Monday’s How I Met Your Mother series finale, someone had the idea to just issue a recall for the sake of public recollection.

“A recall for the sake of making people recall our vehicles,” Kobashi excitedly noted. He then elbowed me in the ribs repeatedly while intermittently chuckling and asking me if I got it.

When I noted that the recall notice didn’t include the i-MiEV, he slapped his forehead and exclaimed that even he had forgotten that they were still making those things.

Mitsubishi Recalls

Are you serious? Look it it! It thinks it’s a car. Isn’t that precious.

“Look, we saw what happened to Suzuki and Isuzu. We just want people to know that’s not us,” he concluded before wiping away a single tear and walking away in a manner reminiscent of David Banner.

Owners can call Mitsubishi at 800-222-0037. Please, just call them. They’re so lonely. So very lonely. God, they just need you so much right now.